


Broken Hearts Use Tumblr

by SullenLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, As he does in most of my stories lol, Bad Boy Zayn Malik, Body Dysphoria, Borderline Personality Disorder, Distorted Thinking, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Flirting, Give this story a chance though it sounds weird lol, Happy Ending, I think I need help, M/M, Maybe toxic relationships, Past Relationship(s), Smut, Zayn fucks with their heads, funny moments, past zarry, past zouis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 28,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29548632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SullenLarry/pseuds/SullenLarry
Summary: Please go on a journey with Harry - someone who is breaking from the inside out, but wants to hide it all. Niall and Liam notice and try to play cupid. Enter Louis Tomlinson.[This story does not romanticize mental illness.]
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for Wattpad in 2018, but I never finished it on there and made it private. :) It's complete now and only available here.
> 
> I heavily edited it for mistakes. However, please be aware I wrote this while in active anorexia-nervosa and my own thinking patterns weren't healthy. Though this is a dramedy, it can be considered heavy for some readers. 
> 
> This story was originally titled "Broken Symphony." 
> 
> \+ Please take care of yourself.
> 
> P.S. The more I edited this, I've realized that all my stories contain some of the same elements. Rather that be depression, sexual assualt, or anorexia. For me, writing is cathartic and helps me deal with my trauma. I wish it wasn't on my mind and come through my writing sometimes, but here we are.

The maelstrom inside the bathtub was the only sound in the house. Tiny, frothy bubbles made the milky water pink. Tealight candles were strategically lined across the tub, giving off a pleasant aroma of vanilla. If they were going to find him dead, well, he wanted to make it aesthetic. He wanted social media to post pictures of the scene and remember that he was an art connoisseur and sometimes indulged.

Okay, sometimes was an understatement. Maybe he was a bit melodramatic – but that was just one quirk.

He slowly lowered his body under the water, eyes opened. They stung, of course, but he enjoyed the small pink film clouding his vision. He could feel his curls dancing in the current as the water continued to run, almost reaching the brim.

Though usually hollow and defined, his cheeks were round and full of oxygen, vibrating as it tried to escape. How long could one last try to hold his breath?

Under the surface, the water is much more muffled. The world moves a little slower.

"Harry, I'm home! I got Chinese!"

He heard a stifled, raspy voice shout from the adjacent room. He closed his eyes, feeling the burn even more. How much longer until he escaped this forsaken Earth?

"Harry!" The door creaked open. A beautiful angel pushed some candles away, sitting on the edge of the tub. He extended his hands into the water, pulling the distraught boy out.

Gasping for air, only for a second, Harry felt his face grow flushed with embarrassment.

"You sure do love those bath bombs!"

I was trying to kill myself, thank you very much. 

Harry didn't know his task would've been impossible anyway as the body would eventually have reflexed itself to the surface.

"The pink ones are so pretty, though, aren't they?" Harry asked, raking some bubbles in his hands and blowing them freely.

Act carefree. Act like you're fine.

"I'll meet you at the table. Don't want to see what's underneath those bubbles...." His friend chuckled as he stood up and turned on his heel.  
Harry watched his shadow disappear into the kitchen, sinking himself back under the water before bouncing back up, flipping his long hair at the wall.

He grabbed a towel out of the linen closet, tying it around his hips before walking pigeon-toed to his bedroom to put on some pajamas. He glanced at himself in the mirror, grimacing at sight. It wasn't that he looked any different than yesterday or that he was unattractive. He just hardly recognized himself anymore.

A quick search on WedMD informed him he may have crippling major depression and should check himself into the nearest crisis unit as possible. But what does the internet know, anyway?

If I don't eat, Liam will bitch for days how he spent money on this food for it only to go to waste.

"Smells good...." Harry commented as he joined him at the dinner table.  
He observed as Liam scooped a healthy portion of Chicken Lo Mein in three separate plates before retrieving steamed broccoli florets and plain white rice.

"Niall should be home soon, said something about stopping at the store on his way home. Out of beer and chocolate," Liam giggled, making small-talk. "How was your day?"

"Fine. Went for a jog this morning, surfed the web, took a nap.....how about you?" Harry asked, pushing his noodles from one side of his plate to the other.

He hadn't been starving lately. In fact, when his body signaled it was time to eat, he could feel nothing but nausea at the thought of it. WebMD said that was one of the symptoms of depression 'undereating/overeating.' It did not state, however, that the thought of swallowing food would make one want to throw themselves off a bridge or that their mind would be preoccupied with ways to avoid doing it.

And even so, here I am with a plate of fucking carbohydrates in my face. Should have just drowned myself. How creative can you get Harry?

"How's the bar?" Harry sipped on his water, trying to prologue his time.

"So far, I've cleared more revenue than I paid out, so that's a success in my eyes." Liam poured soy sauce over his noodles, mixing the dark ingredient with the wet noodles. "If you still need a job, I'm looking for someone part-time to help out in the kitchen."

Harry gave Liam a fake smile. He had paid rent up an entire year, and the utilities were included in the price, so a job was not necessary unless he had wants to fulfill, and truth be told, he was quite the fashion guru: but that -was-. He could care less now.

"I know," Harry smiled. He watched as Liam raised an eyebrow, almost offended that he hadn't touched his food.

"God, traffic was brutal!" Niall huffed, putting his pack of beer in the refrigerator. "That smells divine!" He joined them at the table, instantly picking up his chopsticks and shoveling the food in his mouth. "Oh, don't' wait on me, Harry. Eat up, Lad!" He chucked. "I see Liam doesn't have a problem with it!"

"Just don't wanna be rude, that's all. Glad you're home!" Harry giggled.  
Thanks for the excuse, Niall.

He picked up one solitary noodle between the wooden sticks and placed it in his mouth. Indeed one noodle wouldn't send his mind to spiral out of control.....right?

~*~*~*

The noodles felt heavy in his stomach as he laid in bed trying to sleep. On nights like this, he wasn't sure which one made him hate himself more: the thoughts of depression or the fear of gaining weight. Most of the time, they went hand in hand. He hadn't really set a goal for himself, but he just had this notion that if he stayed precisely the same, everything else would change.

Tossing and turning, entangled in the blanket, he tangled his fist into the sheets – trying not to scream out of frustration. Fuck. He just wanted to sleep. So what if he had a four-hour nap today, and that probably had everything to do with it. So what if it was only 9:00 pm. He didn't want to be awake anymore.

Feeling defeated, he reached for his laptop and sat up in his bed. Desperate, he allowed his brain to type in whatever sentence it wanted without hesitation.

Tumblr, EatingDisorderCommunity.

Hello, 21-year-old male here. I think I have an eating disorder. Whenever I type my symptoms into google, I get major depression and anorexia as possibilities, but I'm not sure which I have, if anything.

I've always had trouble deciphering my own feelings. It doesn't help that I'm gay and feel like an anomaly to society as it is. I've never had a real relationship, not because I don't want to but because I am scared to meet new people, and I don't think I could stop focusing on myself to give them the love they deserve. Does that make me a narcissist? I don't think I am, but I am so....messed up in my head.

Anyway, I weigh 63 kg (134 lbs for you Americans, I guess). What makes me think that I may have an eating disorder is how guilty I feel when I think about eating. Like I don't look skinny, or sick, or anything else like that. I don't starve myself, but I've reduced my portions. If I feel I've overeaten, I'll hit the gym or a jog no matter the hour.

Then, there are times that I'm not even hungry, and maybe that's depression. Can you have both? I'm just looking for answers. Please, no hate.

My sleep is shit. I don't feel like socializing anymore. I've attached a picture of my body. Please don't point out all my flaws and chunkiness.....I'm not super skinny like an anorexic would be, so I don't think I have that....? I guess I should also say I've had these thoughts for years, like since I was fifteen or so. 

Sorry for complaining, 

GreenEyesofConfusion

He hovered his mouse over the submit button, internally debating if he should send it or not.

This is so stupid but what do I have to lose?

"Harry, you asleep?" An Irish accent ricocheted off his walls.

Hurriedly clicking to submit and closing his laptop, Harry put his computer beside him and threw the covers back over himself, pretending to be asleep. His friend giggled and slid under the covers with him.

"Uh-huh. Like I'm going to believe you're asleep, Lad." Niall giggled.

"Okay, fine! You caught me; what's up?"

"Just checking on ya....you seemed a little down at dinner, is all. Is it Zayn?"

God, Zayn. Why did Niall have to bring him up? He was Someone Harry thought he had a real connection with. They never were official, but they would hangout often, engage in promiscuous sex, and have deep philosophical conversations over a bag of marijuana. Well, they did do that until Zayn stopped coming over and sent it's not you, it's me text.

"Nah. We stopped hanging out," Harry sighed.

"Oh. Then what is it? Come on, you can't lie to me," Niall cocked his eyebrow.

"I don't know, Ni. I really don't. I just feel so....blah lately. You know?"

Niall wrapped his arm around Harry but did not scoot any closer, obeying the bro-code boundaries. "Well, I've been stuck in a rut before. I've found indulging in hobbies, going out of the house, and I don't know...eating a decent meal and showering seemed to help me..." He laughed.

"Do I....smell?" Harry asked, sniffing under his arm.

Niall shot him a sympathetic look. "No, no. Just noticed some hygiene changes, is all. Like your use of dry shampoo and how your carelessness with your outfits. Not like you, Lad. Maybe you should go to the doctor and get on meds or try a therapist. Or maybe take Liam up on that job offer. I just don't like to see my friend upset, is all."

Harry nodded at him, contemplating his suggestions, but he wasn't so sure he'd be able to get the energy to take himself to a doctor, therapist, or maintain a job.

"Well, I'm going to go to bed. Work kicked my ass, but I'm just a room and a text away. Night."

"Night!" Harry retorted, waving at his friend.

He opened back his laptop and was surprised that he had already had several replies.

BarbieGirl118 – I understand what its like to feel so lost xoxo – p.s your body is hot

Stellastars – it kinda does sound like you are heading toward an ED. Depression too...but I'm not an expert. Please seek help. My friend had to be hospitalized.

It was then he noticed that his little message icon was red, saying he had 1 message.

The window of regret was beginning to set in for him. Why would he ask for advice from complete strangers on the internet when Niall had just walked in and ask him what was wrong? Why couldn't he share how he was feeling with his friends?

Well, they wouldn't understand. I don't want to burden them anyway.

With the thoughts swirling in his head, he came to the conclusion he would read his message, and if it was hate mail or trolls, he would never log on again.

Dear GreenEyesofConfusion,  
Hey. I know you don't know me, but I just wanted you to know that I completely understand what you're going through; well maybe not entirely since everyone has their own unique journey to travel. Lately, I've felt very depressed and melancholy as well....haven't been able to sleep well. When I do sleep, I wake up a lot and never feel rested.  
I'm also gay and noticed how stigmatized I feel even though I've never had anyone shoot a rude remark since high school. I don't know. Maybe those experiences scar you or something.  
I feel like I know you somehow...and I'm sorry if I seem like some weirdo.  
Your picture did not look at all big, but I know you won't believe me. I have trouble taking compliments and seeing the truth, too (or so I'm told.)  
I don't starve myself either, but I do worry about my body image. I'm always on a fad diet and drink way too much. Besides, everyone says I'm short and 'tiny' though I am 5'9. /Sighs. I must have a small frame or something.  
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  
Sincerely,  
ShadesofBlue28

Harry read over the message, smiling at himself that Someone would take the time to write him such a heartfelt message. He was much too tired to reply, and what would he say anyway?

Sighing, he placed his laptop on the floor beside his bed. He hoped he'd be able to sleep tonight without using Benadryl or melatonin. He was tired of having to use tablets to help him sleep. He was tired of everything.  
Is it too late to try the bathtub thing again? 

*****

All Harry had asked for on this Saturday morning was to sulk in his apartment with fuzzy slippers, hot tea, and a plaid robe on. Was that too much to ask? He sure didn't think so. Besides, Netflix had added new shoes in the drama category, and he couldn't wait to snuggle under the covers and cry.

"Fuck off, Niall. I'm not going!" He groaned, throwing the blanket over his head.

"Yes, you are, Harry!. Stop sulking and get dressed. I'm not asking!" Niall chuckled, ripping the blanket off his friend and throwing it carelessly on the floor. "Nice abs."

Blushing, Harry put his hands over his stomach. "What abs you talking about...?" But the question was rhetorical, and because Harry wanted to avoid the body image conversation altogether, he chose to get up, brush his teeth, tame his curls, and throw on an outfit suitable enough to work in a kitchen.

"Still don't know why I have to help you guys at the bar....." he pouted.

"Well, Har, I am tired of seeing you just waste your life away lately on your cell phone, laptop, and in front of the television. Come on, dude. Where's my Haribo?"

"Once Niall, once. I snorted the gummy bear up my nose once....that doesn't give you the right to call me a brand of gummies as a nickname. Once!"

"Oh, that was a classic. Come on then, Lad. We're going to be late!" Niall smirked at him, rushing them both out the door and into his Mazda.

The ride to the bar and grill was quiet. Niall sang along to the radio like he was on a Carpool Karaoke episode while Harry decided to reply to his Tumblr message he received a few days ago. He wasn't going to at first, thinking it was stupid – but Niall making him go made him feel isolated, misunderstood, and alone. Any bit of empathy would help get him through the day.

ShadesofBlue28: Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I've been busy...well, fine. My friend would say that's a lie, but I have been...it's exhausting being me, you know? I'm glad you say you understand all my angst about body image, my sexuality, and depression. Not sure how much you can really understand, but you were on the forum, so I have no right to argue.  
Sorry, I'm awkward and weird at this. My friend is making me cook in his restaurant. That should be fun....right?  
SO....embarrassingly enough, I ate some Chinese the other day – noodles, and I've felt guilty ever since. I still don't think I have an eating disorder, but....definitely, something is wrong with my head.  
Thanks for saying I didn't look chunky in my picture...I feel stupid for posting that. Why did I do that? Anyway, thanks for your message. It was sweet of you.  
GreenEyesofConfusion.

"Someone's texting away over there. Your thumbs are going to fall off, Lad." Niall stopped his singing momentarily.

Ignoring him, Harry tried to keep himself entertained with his phone until they arrived at their location. However, Niall had other plans. He theatrically grabbed Harry's hand, serenading him, caressing his face lovingly.

Oh, turn the lights turn the lights down low  
Yeah, now I'm feeling you breathing slow  
'Cause, baby, we're just reckless kids  
Trying to find an island in the flood  
Oh, turn the lights, turn the lights down low, oh

Flattered, Harry burst into a fit of giggles playing along with the dramatic scene by putting his hand over his heart and gasping.

"See? You do know how to smile!" Niall exclaimed, pointing his finger at Harry's dimples. "Oh, look, we're here!"

As his anxiety grew, Harry could feel his smile melting. There were already customers waiting at the bar to start serving alcohol. He noticed Liam was sweeping the parking lot, a task he rendered counterproductively.  
He tried to escape this one last time – heading toward Niall's car, but before he could open the door, Niall locked it with his key fob. 

Fuck, he mumbled under his breath. He walked past a Niall who may have been getting too much amusement about this.

"Okay, wear this apron. Today, you will be in training. Liam conducted open interviews today and decided to hire Someone on the spot. You are just here to get out of the house, but I still expect you to treat this like a real training, okay?" Niall asked sternly as Harry rolled his eyes.

I mean, really. He could be in bed right now looking at pictures of celebrities wishing he had their features or crying during his dramas, yet here he is, volunteering his time and not getting paid for it.

"Oh, look. There's your training partner now...." Niall bit his bottom lip and smiled deviously as Someone walked through the door. "Harry, this is uh....sorry, Lad, I've forgotten your name."

Harry stuck out his hand, too lost in his own thoughts to register that Someone else was standing in front of him. He wanted to go home. He did not give one damn about this stupid training and this stupid dress suit and this stupid apron.

It wasn't until he felt a firm grasp that he allowed himself to make eye contact. Suddenly, time began to feel like it stopped moving.

A dainty man with tousled ash brown hair, defined cheekbones, and the purest of blue eyes with tiny specks of green greeted Harry with a warm smile. He wore black suit pants with a white button-up shirt tucked in, all complimented by black suspenders. His apron tied loosely around his waist fell to his knees – unlike Harry's, which reached mid-thigh.

"It's quite alright. My name is Louis. Nice to meet you."

Harry stood staring, shaking his hand absent-mindlessly until Louis casually dropped his arm down to the side of his body. Harry brushed a crimson color as Niall smirked, looking between the two, sneakily looking at Liam for confirmation.

As Niall exited the kitchen, he bumped into Liam's shoulder, whispering, "Operation: Give Harry His Joy Back is underway."

~*~*~

As customers began to fill the bar, Liam began to instruct Harry and Louis where all the ingredients were.

"Okay, to make a Mojito. You will need 6 mint leaves, simple syrup, fresh lime juice, white rum, and club soda. Pour it into a tall glass and garnish it with mint or lime – it's the customer's choice. Don't forget to shake it!" He chuckled as he demonstrated the drink.

Louis tried to keep up with Harry, but it was as if his reaction time was a bit slowed. "Sorry, Mate. I'm not a good hand in the kitchen. My mum never let me help," he laughed.

"It's your first day. You'll get the hang of it, don't worry!" Liam said, patting his back. "Harry, look at you! A natural! It's beautiful! Thanks for helping me out today."

Harry smiled at him, admiring his drink that he was proud of. He tried to sample it, but Liam quickly snatched it out of his hand and made his way out of the kitchen and toward the bar.

"Break time!" Niall announced.

Instantaneously, Louis untied his apron and made his way outside, sitting on a turned-over crate. He grabbed his cigarettes from his back pocket and locked his ankles together. Harry played with his hair, staring at the door, wondering if it was socially acceptable to join him.

He tip-toed toward the door, touching the handle but quickly removing his hand and walking away. Then, he walked back to the door and decided to spontaneously open it, tripping over the crate, knocking Louis and himself to the ground.

"Oh shit! I am so sorry! Here, let me help you!" Harry frantically pulled Louis up on his feet and instinctively brushed him off.

Louis giggled at him, taking a draw from his cigarette. "You remind me of Bambi. A baby deer you are. Adorable."

Harry looked at the ground bashfully. "I probably should go back inside..."

"You look like you could use a drag," Louis chuckled. "Don't worry so much what others think. You tripped over the crate, said you're sorry, and even helped me up and dusted off my clothes. Like I said, adorable."  
Harry smiled at him, taking the cigarette from Louis' fingers and breathing in the smoke. He sighed as he released. He wasn't new to smoking as it was just something he did socially.

Louis licked his lips with a devious, longing look in his eyes. He watched as Harry took another drag before offering it back to him. "No, you keep it," he said, grazing Harry's arm out of instincts. "You know, I think I'm going to like working here." He turned on his heel and reentered the restaurant.

~*~*~*~

It was half-past midnight, and the bar was still crowded. Drunk college kids were celebrating half priced drinks and dancing the night away. In the back, Liam was trying to teach Harry and Louis how to manage their time and resources better, so no more revenue was lost. He had forgotten how clumsy Harry was, often knocking over the shot glasses or overpouring the liquor. Yet, he wasn't ashamed to admit that he was the best drink maker he trained in a long time.

However, he wasn't aware of how Harry was feeling inside. His head was pounding, thumping, pulsing with hunger pangs. His stomach felt empty and uncomfortable, begging him to give it a tiny morsel of nutrients. His internal monologue was self-defeating; there was no way he was going to be weak.

When on break, he would reply to his newly found Tumblr friend, who admitted that he understood what it was like to be hungry but still have a task to complete. His friend explained that cigarettes helped him suppress his appetite. Harry considered the idea. After all, he did share a cigarette with Louis earlier.

Niall informed him that they'd be going home in about fifteen minutes, so he decided to put all his effort into making one last drink before his volunteer gig was up. He gathered the ingredients to make him and Louis a Manhattan. Liam told him he could make himself a drink when he got off work. "But only one each; alcohol is expensive!" He warned.

Harry grabbed a chilled glass, measured out the whiskey, sweet vermouth, and bitters into a shake cylinder. He placed a maraschino cherry in each glass and poured the mixture on top. He smiled at his creation, waiting on Louis to get finished with his order.

Grabbing the counter, he could feel himself become unsteady on his feet for a second. He lost track of when he reduced his calories, but he knows he has to keep doing it. What if he gained back all the weight he lost? That would be the world's greatest tragedy.

He rocked on his heel one last time, feeling his knee buckles beneath him. Above him, the fluorescent light looked as if it had tiny specks of gold raining down in his vision. His hearing was muffled like he was underwater again.

"Whoa! You alright?" Louis asked, grabbing him by his shirt before he could fall to the ground.

Harry shook his head, trying to reorient himself with his surroundings. He looked down to notice that Louis held onto his waist. Blushing, he responded, "I think so. Got too hot. Been a long day. Good thing this shift is over. I've made us a celebratory drink!"

He walked back over the counter and retrieved the drinks. "Drink up," he beamed.

He and Louis walked outside, sitting back on the crates that connect to the kitchen. He discreetly googled the calories to a Manhattan: 138.  
Well, that isn't too bad. If I can keep my intake at 750, I should lose at least 2 lbs a week if I can keep up my routine. I can drink this; of course, I can. If I can just lose 10 more lbs, I'll be satisfied. Just a little longer.

"Thank you. You're an excellent drink maker!" Louis exclaimed, furrowing his eyebrows. "Have you tried it? It's delicious."

Harry glanced down at his drink, hesitant to waste the calories. Then again, it was in the a.m. now, and it was time to sleep; too late to use his calories on anything else.

"Wow, that is good!" He forced a smile.

Grabbing his cigarettes out of his pocket, Louis lit up and blew a puff of smoke in the air. He stared at Harry for a second, watching the way he sipped the drink, trying to solve the conundrum.

"So, how'd you end up working here?" He asked curiously.

"Oh....well, I don't, actually. Niall and Liam thought it would be good for me to get out of the house for some reason, so Niall kidnapped me and forced me to come to work with him...."

Louis laughed as he blew out another ring of smoke. "Your friends sound like they care. That's awesome. You a hermit or something?"

"Um...not really....well lately..." Harry began to play with the baby hairs on the back of his neck, anxious about the discussion. "I guess I need a hobby or something, or a boy-friend, or...." He began to rant.

"Yeah, I get that. My last 'boy-friend' if I can even call him that just bailed without an explanation. A real cum and go..."

Giggling, Harry forgot about his guilt for a second. "Boy-friend?"

"Well I know you're not judging me since you just said you had a boy-friend...but yes, boy-friend. Don't label me, please. I like what I like. Sometimes it changes....but I'm sorry that happened to you, nonetheless. I know how it feels." Louis took another drag and flicked his ashes on the ground, realizing his cigarette was just about to finish. He stood up and stretched. "Well, I guess I'm going to go home now. Maybe I'll see you around sometime."

Harry nodded, not saying anything, and continued to sit on his crate. He cuddled his arms into his chest as the thoughts began to greet him again.

I'm so stupid. Why the hell did I say boyfriend like I'm surprised? I guess I was just hoping he was, and I got a little bit excited when it came true....but I made it awkward. Shouldn't have drunk that Manhattan. It's too late to purge it up. I'll just subtract it from my total calories tomorrow. Oh fuck, I have to anyway. It's after midnight.

"There you are!" Niall panted. "Ready to go home?" He rhetorically asked. Harry followed him and buckled in his seat belt. "So...what do you think of our bar?"

"It's really nice!" Harry squealed.

"Thanks, Lad. I really enjoy the atmosphere there. You did good, a little clumsy, but you wouldn't be Harry if you weren't." Niall said, backing out of the parking lot and moving onto the street. "Noticed you didn't eat your dinner. Is our food gross?"

"No way! I just wasn't hungry at the time....nerves or something...." Harry said, trying to keep his composure. "Smelled delicious, though."

Niall shook his head in disbelief but chose to drop the subject. "So what'd you think about Louis?"

"He's really nice and funny, Kind of blunt...I really enjoyed working with him. When did you and Liam interview him?"

"Well, truth be told, he was sitting at our bar the other day and was venting about how this man stood him up. He got wasted, and I had to cut him off. He said he didn't realize how much he racked up on his tab and was so embarrassed. Seemed like an honest Lad, so I offered him a job." Niall shrugged. "Don't regret it yet."

Smiling, Harry got out his phone, realizing he got a reply in his Tumblr message.

Hey,  
Why did you feel guilty for eating Lo Mein? That shit is awesome. Ironically, I had to work at a restaurant today, too. Well it was a bar. I am proud of myself for not sneaking any alcohol. That would be stealing. Go me!  
My co-worker seems pretty cool. He seems a little insecure and sad, but he was funny too. Awesome bartender. I hope to see him again sometime, but he was just volunteering.  
I hope he can see that he isn't alone, just like you aren't. I'm exhausted, though, and I have to work the late shift again. Hope to keep in touch  
ShadesofBlue28

Dropping his phone in his lap, Harry grabbed ahold of Niall's arm and squeezed hard in excitement. Flashing across his mind were Louis' blue eyes, the ones with the tiny green specks. He remembered watching him mix the drinks and prepare the food; the number 28 tattooed across his ring and middle fingers.

"You win the lottery or something?" Niall chortled.

"No...I just...." Harry sighed, trying to find the words. "Read a funny joke." Lame, but it sufficed.

Once they arrived back at their apartment, Harry walked into his room and stripped down his clothes, avoiding his mirror. He felt bloated, and his stomach was making small, digesting noises.

He sat on his bed, trying to decipher his emotions. He never was good with trying to make logic out-loud. He'd instead use words. Therefore, he opened his laptop and began to post on the ProAna forum.

It's Me Again with Another Question: Depressed  
I'm sorry if you aren't allowed to post more than once and make a new topic, but I feel a bit off today. I keep throwing this word around depression, but I'm not even sure if that's me or not.  
This is what I feel like:  
I wake up every morning regretting that I did. The world appears to be black, sometimes grey, but all the bright colors have long disappeared. To sustain life, you need green for the trees and oxygen. You need red to make fire and cook nutrients. You need yellow for the sun and blue for the sky. Where have my colors gone?  
I've been waking up exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I can't differentiate if it's from my reduced calories or how l try and put on a façade every fucking day, trying to not make others worry, convince myself that I'm okay...but I'm just not.  
There's been a small voice in my head lately, not a real one. It Kind of sounds like my own voice, really, but it's so cynical and controlling. It reminds me of how little control I have over my life, how pale and run down I have become, how I hardly can breathe anymore, always suffocating.  
My libido has mostly disappeared. I'm in the prime of my life and should be having all kinds of crazy sex with the one I love, but I don't have any interest – not really. I mean, I would love a relationship, but it doesn't seem possible like it is out of reach and too unattainable. I don't trust myself. I can hardly make logical choices. Wouldn't I just hurt Someone else?  
How can I have 'depression' if I have the best friends in the world and the most supportive family? That makes me think I am just whining and taking it all for granted. I'm quite aware of the blessings around me, but I'm also aware of the burden I have become. My friends are starting to notice that I'm breaking down, or that I'm 'off.' They're beginning to treat me like I'm a stranger, a child almost. Or is that in my head, too?  
I try and maintain 750 calories a day for now, just until I reach my goal weight. This makes me think I don't have depression because one of the symptoms is the loss of pleasure in activities, feelings of worthlessness, and persistent empty feelings. For me, I get small pleasure out of not eating and restricting sometimes. Sure it makes me sick and weak at times, but it keeps me going. I know if I reach my goal, I'll be happy, at least I hope so. Maybe my self-esteem will come back.  
Tonight, I feel a little jaded....desperate, almost. I think I'm going to fill my bathtub until it covers my entire body, drop in my bath bombs, and see how long I can hold my breath. While submerged in the water, the Earth is still for a second....but then you have to come up for air, and I hate that part.  
God, this post is longer than I intended. Please forgive me. I guess I'll go to bed now...or take a bath...or...just lay in bed with my insomniac thoughts.  
\- Night world.  
GreenEyesofConfusion

~*~*~*~

He had already run three miles and felt as if his heart would explode and his knees would set on fire at any moment. There wasn't much help from the atmosphere as the heat index was brutal. Wiping sweat from his brow, he wondered why he didn't go to a gym instead of running the sidewalk.  
Then, he remembered. Of course. He wanted to sweat, expel extra fluids from his body. That way, when he weighed himself, the scale may take off some numbers for water-weight. He tried to eat a few egg whites this morning, but the texture felt slimy in his mouth. He had no choice but to throw them in the trash, feeling guilty as he did so. He hated wasting food.

Panting, he tried to catch his breath as he sat down on his porch steps. He opened the Tumblr app and read the many replies he received from his past the night before.

GhettoGurl112: I wish I had better advice to give, but it does sound like depression. You could see a counselor and get a formal diagnosis if you have the money to spare.....good luck.  
FlamingoKeyz: When I feel that way, I listen to music. It's more common than you think.  
SniffingGlue2: Hey, don't sell yourself short. You can post as much as you want. It's a free country. It does sound like you're going through something right now and feel a bit alone and overwhelmed. Try not to isolate and reach out to whoever you can.

Sighing, he took a gulp of his water, feeling his hands shaking as if he consumed too much caffeine.

"Lad?" Niall asked, crouching down beside him. "You're up awful early."

"Yeah, I always get up this early. The real observation is YOU'RE up early," Harry giggled as he tucked his hands between his legs, trying to hide the random shaking.

"Louis asked about you the other day," Niall chirped. "Ask if you visited often. Of course, I had to break it to him and tell him you were snobby and preferred to wither away in isolation."

'Hey!" Harry playfully shoved him. "What else did he say?"

"Oh, not much else. He's Kind of a loner, too, a little bit reserved. He works second shift tonight," Niall stood up and patted Harry on the shoulder. "Well, Lad, I'm going to go to the store...again...because you know, Liam is eating us out of house and home."

Harry scoffed. "Liam? I believe that's you, Ni."

"I do have a healthy appetite. What can I say?" He chuckled as he walked down the steps and toward his car.

Harry sipped on his water some more, surprised that he had another notification.

Direct Inbox  
Hey,  
How was your bath? I hope you were able to relax and free your mind for a bit. You seem more troubled than most, and that scares me. Just because you have the best friends in the world or a supportive family and still feel depressed doesn't make you a brat or whatever you want to call yourself. It makes you brave to be able to admit to your insecurities and afflictions.  
I hope you reach your goal soon. 750 calories seem so little to eat for an entire day. For me, I like to keep mine at 975 for now. It gives me a little wiggle room for treats.  
Oh, did I tell you? My job has been going so well lately. I'm really getting the hang of this bartending thing. I was hoping that my training partner would come back. He was so much better than me, but even still, I've been making good tips. My boss says the ladies love me, but what does he know?  
Anyway, I love reading your post, and I hope you have a good day.  
Sincerely,  
ShadesofBlue28

Harry blushed as he put his phone in his pocket, making his way to the shower. Even though he was much too tired and wanted to pass out right here in front of the door, he knew he was sweaty. Maybe a shower would be just the thing to make himself feel better.

He stripped off his clothes, running his hands over his hips.

"Oh my God. I shouldn't have drunk that water," he said, holding his stomach like a pregnant lady. "I shouldn't have eaten that toast yesterday, or that gluten-free bagel, or that fucking cup of watermelon. FUCK!" He said, hitting his palm on the sink, instantly feeling a rush of pain ache deep inside his bones.

"I do not have a problem. This is real. This is real!" He pinched at the skin on his hips until they started stinging. "This fat is real. I am fat. This is real. This is not in my head." He stepped in the shower, sliding down until he reached the bottom. He put his head into his hands, trying to muffle the screams he wanted to release.

"I'm not crazy. This is real!"

Until the water ran cold, he sat in the shower telling himself repeatedly that what he was feeling, what he was seeing, was in fact, reality. Everyone around him could give him sympathetic looks all they wanted to, but he knew the truth. He knew the looks were because they saw him trying so hard and not accomplishing anything.

"Harry?" Liam knocked on the door, breaking him from his thoughts for the first time in what felt like an hour. "I need to use the restroom!"

Liam turned the knob, gasping as he saw Harry sitting in the shower, freezing water running over his body but not seeming to notice. "What are you doing?" He asked, shutting off the shower and wrapping a towel around Harry.

"Taking a cold shower promotes weight loss because the body burns calories trying to warm itself back up," Harry numbly stated. "And I guess I lost track of time."

"Well, Niall just got finished cooking dinner, and we invited Louis over, so I figured you'd want to get ready." He helped Harry stand on his feet, guiding him out of the bathroom and into his bedroom.

"Why'd you invite Louis over?" Harry asked.

"Well, you know it's what we do for new employees. It's a type of team-building exercise. We don't want our employees to think we're hateful and money-hungry. Besides, you're a great host - so social, cheeky, and tell the best jokes." Liam wrapped his arm around him. "Where is that Harry hiding anyway?"

"Oh, go on and let me get dressed," Harry giggled, pushing him out of his room.

Liam walked over to the kitchen island, trying to aid Niall in cooking the Risotto. "I miss Harry cooking. He was the best at it."

"Yeah," Niall agreed, reading the spice list. "Something's off with him, but I can't put my finger on it."

"I know exactly how you feel." Liam lowered his voice. "When I came home, he was in the shower just sitting there."

"What's wrong with that? I do that all the time. Do some of my best thinking in the shower," Niall chucked, throwing in some basil.

"It was ice cold, Ni. ICE COLD. Said it burned calories."

Niall looked down. "His hands were shaking earlier, but I mean, we cannot say for sure that he's doing this on purpose. We don't know that. Maybe this diet he is on is making him feeling lethargic. We should talk to him about it later."

"I mean, we could be way off here playing cupid. Louis seems to have his own set of problems..." Liam sighed.

"Exactly. They'll be able to connect. Be optimistic," He playfully shoved Liam. "Here, finish this. I'm going to start on the roasted chicken."

Inside his room, Harry changed his outfit several times before giving up and deciding to wear all black, even his boots. That'll make me look slimmer, I hope—stupid water belly.

He stood in front of the mirror, practicing different smiles—mind over matter. Act happy, and maybe I'll feel happy.

Some time had passed, and he continued to practice his smile and criticize himself. He could have spent all night doing just that, but he was interrupted by a knock on his door.

"Harry, the food's ready!" Niall informed him. "Come on. I worked hard!"

"Coming!" He shouted back, giving himself one last look, half-smiling and shaking his head. "It's no use. I'm revolting."

He walked out of his room and sat down at the kitchen table, watching as Liam and Niall sat the table and put the condiments in a neat line. They placed a bottle of wine in the center as well as a pitcher of water. Liam sliced some lemons, dropping them in the water and sitting down.

"Smells great," Harry complimented, clutching his stomach.

Niall and Liam smiled at him just as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" Liam chirped as he walked toward the door. Harry could hear muffled talk, knowing it was the tone of Louis.

He began to pat his hair, hoping his curl was not betraying him. Niall quickly sat down across from him, and Liam sat beside Niall, leaving the only open seat beside Harry. He tried to hide his rosy cheeks as Louis sat down beside him, accidentally brushing their elbows together.

~*~*~*~*~

Harry looked down at his plate that Niall ever so graciously made for him and gulped. The portions were more extensive than he would have liked, and he didn't want to make Louis think he was a weirdo. Yet, as he sat staring at the Risotto, chicken, and spring vegetables, he realized how panicky he was beginning to feel.

"You fit right in at work, Louis," Liam began the conversation.

"Thanks. I was worried. I'm not the best cook globally, but luckily, the drinks aren't too complicated to make once you recognize the recipes. I'm just going to have to get used to making the fried foods. It's hard to keep the batter on stuff," he blushed.

Harry tried to listen to the conversation, but he was preoccupied with his meal. "Okay, okay. This is getting ridiculous. I need to just eat this food before it really does turn into a problem. I'm just going to put this zucchini in my mouth," he thought.

"Something wrong, Lad?" Niall asked cocking his eyebrow.

The table watched as Harry tried to discretely spit the zucchini out into a napkin. "Yeah, sorry. It was hot, burned my tongue."

Everyone stood silent for a second, Louis staring around the room awkwardly. "Yeah, I noticed that. Mine was a little warm too...." He winked at Harry.

Liam scooped another portion of Risotto, shoveling the rice in his mouth. "So, tell us about yourself, Louis. I mean, we met you in the bar..." he chuckled.

"Yeah, the night the guy stood me up...pity really...that was the night he promised me to make it exclusive, but he wussed out, obviously," Louis smiled. "Fuck you, Zayn. "The entire room tensed up. "I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"

"Zayn...." Harry trailed off.

"Oh shit, you mean to tell me you guys know him?" Louis asked.

"Yeah. Harry was seeing him for a while...." Niall answered.

Harry stood pushing his food around on his plate, trying to will himself to eat the squash and zucchini. "He sent me a text that said it's not you, it's me," Harry giggled.

"Same," Louis laughed. "Well, we can put him on the list of douche of the year. You're too pretty for him anyway!"

Harry blushed. "Obviously not, or he would've stayed...but then again, he said he did the same thing to you, and you're very attractive, so..." He suddenly bit his tongue, not believing he just said that out loud.

Liam shot Niall a sly smile, signaling that maybe their plan was working.  
Though he tried to hide it, Louis' cheeks were flaming pink. He finished his food and excused himself from the table, asking for directions to the restroom.

"I think he likes you," Niall whispered to Harry.

"Shh!" Harry swatted at him playfully. "You are making me clammy."

"Just stating what I see. Do you not like my food, Lad? Everyone else is almost finished, and you haven't even tried everything."

"No, I do. I just think I have a stomach bug or something. Lost my appetite. Must be a 24 thing," he shrugged. "But I'll put it in a container for tomorrow."

"Well, I think that's a good idea," Liam chimed in.

Harry sat at the table, feeling a sense of numbness and detachment from the conversation going on. He wanted to engage and listen to friends, but he couldn't break the cycle of his own melancholy narrative. 

If I do eat this tomorrow, that will prove that I don't have a problem. I still have a huge belly from drinking that water earlier, though. What will happen when I eat this meal?

"Sorry about that," Louis shyly smiled, sitting back at the table.

Harry looked up at him, staring intensely at him. He noticed that Louis had small prickles of tears, a blotched face, and red knuckles. He must've kept his gaze a little too long because Louis suddenly flashed his pack of cigarettes and stood up, once again excusing him from the table.

Harry looked at his friends, who were sending him an encouraging look to follow him to the porch.

"Um...yeah...." He blushed as he followed Louis. When he opened the door to the patio, Louis sat in one of the chairs, his feet against the porch railing, lighting his cigarette up.

"Hey," he greeted him.

"Hey," Harry replied.

"Your friends are awesome cooks, by the way. Sometimes, Liam will fix my wings at the bar. I was so excited they invited me tonight," he said, blowing a puff of ring in the air. "I'm a little exhausted, though, still have to work tonight."

"Yeah, they're the best friends I could ever ask for...hey, can I ask you something personal?" Harry asked, fiddling with your fingers. "After I take a hit of your cigarette?"

Louis smirked at him. "Go ahead, love."

"Um.... how long and when were you with Zayn?"

Louis chuckled nervously. "You wanna talk about the Casanova, huh? We hung out a good 2-3 months, I say. We smoked a lot of weed at his place, fucked around. We had deep conversations about what we were, and I thought we had a mutual understanding, but much like what you said, he sent me a text and that was about it."

"When?" Harry asked, scooting closer to him.

"Recently. He sent me the text the night I was at the bar...how about you? What's your story with him?" Louis asked, grabbing his hands. "You seem nervous. Your hands are shaking, love. Here. Hold still." Louis stood face to face with him, maneuvering him, so they were parallel. "Open your mouth," he instructed. Harry did as he told, and Louis blew a smoke ring in his mouth. "Better?"

Harry nodded as he blushed. "Thanks. My hands have been shaking a little lately. I think it's my new diet, but I'm not sure...." He quickly changed the subject. "Anyway.... same...actually.... same story...even the time frame."

"So basically, we were cheated on by Someone we weren't even in a relationship with? I can see why he'd want to be with you, though," Louis licked his lips. "Want another hit?" He asked as Harry enthusiastically nodded. Harry opened his mouth again, waiting on Louis to provide the nicotine. This time, Louis scooted a little closer to him as he blew the smoke in.

Harry tried to step backward but he became uneasy on his feet, accidentally slamming his body into Louis. A ripplie effect emerged, as their pair tumbled into the porch railing. 

Louis cried out in surprise as his back throbbed. "FUCK!"

"I am so sorry!" Harry pleaded.

"It's okay. You're my adorable, Bambi, remember?" He said, steadying Harry. "You alright there, love?"

"Yeah, yeah. Got that shaky feeling again."

Sighing, Louis guided them both back to the chairs. "I have to go soon and get ready for my shift, but I want you to text me, okay? Here, let me see your phone," he suggested as Harry did so. "Keep in touch and tell me when you start to feel better. Promise?"

Harry eagerly nodded, feeling their fingers brush together as Louis handed him back his phone. "Here, come with me, love. I'll walk you back in."

As they reentered the house, Liam and Niall scurried back into the kitchen, hoping they wouldn't notice the moving curtain from where they were looking out the window. They tried to act casual and started wishing the dishes.

"Thanks for the meal. It was delicious. I'll see you at work later, Liam! Bye Niall!" Louis waved, putting on his jacket. "Text me, Harry, k?"

Liam and Niall smiled widely at each other when they saw Harry shyly nod, promising him he would text him.

As they heard the door close, Liam began the conversation. "So, Harry.... a number, huh?"

"Oh my gosh. Don't' start Li, please! It's not like that. He's just a cool guy."

"He is, he is. A cool, attractive, sweet guy...right, Ni?" Liam smirked.

"Sure is. A cool, attractive, sweet, single guy...." Niall continued.

"Guys!" Harry giggled. "I'm going to my room now...." He retreated.

Niall continued to do the dishes. He didn't want to alarm Liam, but he noticed how Harry stumbled on Louis, almost as if he lost consciousness for a second. He remembered how his hands were shaking earlier in that exact same spot when Harry came back from running. He tried not to think of Harry's appetite, but he couldn't help it. Something was off with him. Maybe I'm just worried for nothing. Maybe I'm a drama queen.

"You know...I'm sort of worried about him..." Liam said exactly what Niall was thinking.

"Me too. I think we need to be more aggressive. This diet he is on isn't working. I know he's a perfectionist, and he gets these little obsessions. One time he spent an entire month revising his thesis until the professor made him turn it in, or the time he kept throwing that cheesecake out and restarting because it kept cracking in the oven, or the time he..."

"I get it, Ni..."

"Oh, sorry...the point is, Harry tends to not realize what he's doing. I think we need to gently talk to him about it, so it doesn't turn into an issue," Niall concluded as Liam agreed with him. "But I don't think it's just his diet...he's not been his usual Haribo self. He's down a lot and has given up a lot of himself...he used to not leave the house until he looked like a Rockstar, remember? Now he just uses dry shampoo for days and then he'll take a long bath. He hardly goes out of the house. I know everyone goes through stuff, but..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. We'll talk to him about it, maybe even give Gemma or his mom a ring," Liam suggested. "Anyway, I gotta get ready for my shift. Take care of him."

"Okay, I will. Have a safe trip!" Niall called out, draining the water out of the sink. "Why did I put those in the dishwasher?" He chuckled to himself.

Harry lay down in his bed in his room, stretched out, realizing his body was making hunger pangs. He could feel his heart starting to race, anxiety clouding his mind. He clutched his stomach tightly, trying to make the noise disappear, but it wasn't any use.

After hours of trying to will himself to sleep, he realized it was no use and walked into his bathroom and retrieved Benadryl tablets. That'll do the trick, he thought as he swallowed the pills and chugged some water. Maybe the water will make the growling stop. I might as well brush my teeth while I'm in here!

He swatched his toothbrush with paste and began to brush his teeth. I wonder how many calories are in toothpaste. He googled the question. The average human consumes 1 calorie per tooth brushing. Shit. That will add up throughout a lifetime.

After completing his nighttime routine, he walked back over to his bed and retrieved his phone. He was confused when he looked at his phone and learned it was only 8:30 pm. No wonder I can't sleep. Fuck. Thought it was later than that. Oh well, Benadryl should kick in soon. Maybe I'll go hangout with Ni.... nah, I just feel like laying here and playing on my phone.

He opened his app and scrolled through the eating disorder forum, reading stories of people's trials and tribulations with food, control, and life. He looked at pictures of people in all shapes and sizes. He empathized with the depression piece people kept describing.

Then suddenly, just as he was about to close the app, a post caught his eye, written by ShadesofBlue28.

Hey everyone,  
I haven't posted in a while, I know...but as I sat hovering over my long-lost porcelain friend this evening, I've realized that maybe this isn't a fad diet. Maybe I'm not on a diet at all. I try and keep my calorie in the 900's, but when I feel like I've overeaten, I'll throw it up...purge, I think is what they call it? I don't know.  
I've talked to you guys about this before, but it's been a long time. I thought I was better, and I was, but I had confidence set back recently. This guy I was talking to dropped me like I was nothing...and it made me feel bad about myself because we'd discuss my diet a lot and my body image, and he'd tell me I was sexy but obviously not enough...  
I'm over him now; that's not even the problem. In fact, I think I'm falling for Someone else...but that's not the problem either...I feel a bit unhinged, unstable, and moody. I feel out of control, yet in control at the same time.  
I have a job now, yay...but I guess maybe I've fallen back into old habits...  
Attached is my first body pic from a year ago (you may remember it) – and this is me now (my weight is less than it was a year ago, but why do I feel so much bigger? It makes no sense.  
Thanks for listening as always,  
ShadesofBlue28

Harry stared at the photos, recognizing the tattoos littered across Louis' arms and fingers. He closed the app, realizing it made him feel even more depressed than he already was, but a little happy to know his thoughts weren't entirely in isolation and other males had poor body image.

In that moment, Harry decided to send his first text to Louis, who graciously saved his own name as Faline.

What's a Faline? He questioned as he put the search into google.

Faline could be referring to a character in 1942's Disney's Bambi. Faline is Bambi's childhood friend and love interest.

Blushing, Harry typed his message before changing Louis' name from Faline to Louis <3

Harry: Hey Lou, hope you're having a good shift.  
Harry: I had fun tonight, you should come over more often. Doesn't have to be just for dinner. We can...fuck I'm bad at this...sorry ☹  
Harry: thanks for the number btw. You wanted a status update. I'm feeling a little better...probably take a nap...night.  
I am so social awkward.  
Just as he was putting his phone on charge, his phone buzzed with a notification  
Louis <3: Hey – what a pleasant surprise. I was hoping to hear from you tonight.  
Louis <3: Shift going well, a little busy  
Louis <3: Definitely will come over more if that's an invite. You looked good tonight, btw. Just thought you oughta know.  
Louis <3: Night Bambi.

If Harry fell asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in a while, well, that was between him and the moth that kept tapping his window. 

~*~*~*~*~  
It was nearly 6 pm when Louis began to clean up his apartment. He began to push all his dirty clothes under the bed and throw his various items in the closet. "That'll have to do!" He giggled as he looked at his now bare floor. "Guess I'll Swiffer right fast too."

With time winding down, he continued to make his apartment presentable. He wasn't sure when his home became messy, but he had a good guess. It was about a year ago when his ability to make rational decisions diminished, though he couldn't tell you the rhyme or reason.

Just as he began putting away his cleaning supplies, he heard the doorbell ring. Gulping, he looked at himself in the mirror and ran his fingers through his feathery hair.

Harry: I'm here x  
He leaped in front of the door, trying to act casual, tugging at his t-shirt before he nervously opened the door.

"Harry!" He breathed out. "Come in!"

Harry smiled at him. His curls tussled on top of his head. A silver chain dangled between his chest pecks that were peeking through his half button-upped blouse. His jeans were skin-tight, complemented by brown Chelsea boots.

"I like your outfit!" Louis squealed. "Very nice."

Blushing, Harry tucked a piece of stray curl behind his ear and smiled. "I like yours too."

Louis looked down at his outfit choice, questioning his entire existence. I want to die; he made a mental note. "Thanks," he choked out.

"Nice place," Harry observed.

"Oh, thanks," he choked out again as he guided them over to his couch. On the table sat a veggie platter and sparkling water. "I, uh, prepared us some snacks and by prepare, I mean....bought from the store," he giggled.

"Looks lovely," Harry reassured him.

"Thanks," he repeated. Stop saying that, you loser! "Um, excuse me...." He trailed off as he walked in the direction of his patio/fire escape and lit a cigarette.

Harry watched him from the couch how his hands were shaking, the same way that his shook sometimes. He watched as Louis stared ahead, almost as if he had anxiety though that can't be true because he is assertive, confident, and outspoken.

He didn't want to come off as clingy but decided to join Louis anyway. As he opened the screen door, he tripped over a trash can, landing on top of Louis. Louis grabbed ahold of Harry's waist, pulling him down in a laying position.

"I think you do that on purpose, Bambi," Louis giggled as Harry shyly put his head in the crook of his neck.

"Sadly, I don't," he confessed, biting his lips.

"I'm not complaining," Louis slyly replied. They laid that way for a moment before he realized what was happening, letting out an awkward cough. "You want a hit of this, don't you?" Harry eagerly nodded as Louis pulled him to his feet. "Well, you know the drill by now...." Louis inhaled the smoke, the nicotine hit his senses. "Part your lips."

Harry moved in closer to Louis, closing his eyes and parting his lips, waiting on Louis to fill him with toxic air.

"Here," Louis inched closer to him, just like he had many times before. Harry welcomed the smoke, closing his eyes and feeling the head rush. He and Louis put their foreheads together, resting for a second before Louis opened his eyes and pulled away. "Better?"

"Mmmhmm," Harry blushed and walked back into the house. Before he could step a foot inside, he was greeted by a labradoodle.

"Clifford, sit!" Louis called after him. "Sorry, he likes you. Clifford, meet Harry. Harry, meet Clifford." He said, petting his dog. "He has curly hair like you."

"So I see," Harry giggled. He tried to bend down to pet the dog, but he felt unsteady on his feet, falling backward. The dog noticed his distress and helped him down before retreating into the house on his doggie pillow.

"You sure are clumsy," Louis observed.

"I'm sorry. Feel a little...queasy," Harry frowned. "I think I need to go on a run. I haven't today. I wanted to save my energy for you, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it now..." He confessed. "It's throwing my routine off."

"Why don't we eat some veggie, yeah?" Louis suggested. "I have hummus we can dip them in or Greek yogurt...." He said as he made his way into the kitchen, getting his ingredients. "Or if you want something a little more filling, I can order something for us."

"No, no. I want them plain...." Harry said, sitting back down on the couch. He began to drink the water, trying to fill his body up so he wouldn't eat as much. He noticed that Louis was doing the same thing. "Let's address the elephant in the room....the Tumblr post....."

"What?" Louis whispered.

"You're ShadesofBlue28, and I'm GreenEyesofConfusion."

"I know," Louis laughed. "Kind of mysterious, wasn't it? How we could write our thoughts and know, we were writing them to each other but at the same time, pretend it's a stranger. Well, most were strangers, trying to get their feedback." He shrugged. "Fuck, this is going deep."

"We don't have to talk about it right now," Harry dismissed the idea, realizing that Louis was caught off guard by the conversation. "So you invited me over...." He said flirtily.

"I did," Louis smirked. "Well, I went over to your place, so it's only fair you come and see mine. Of course, mine is a lot quieter since I don't have roommates, but I like it alright. Clifford gives the best cuddles."

"It seems cozy." Harry nodded as his stomach began to growl.

"You're hungry."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"I'm not."

"Harry. I understand. You don't have to hide around me. I get it."

Swallowing hard, Harry tried to keep his composure. "I am. I am hungry. I tell myself I don't have a problem, but I don't think I can trust myself anymore."

"Here, let's eat some veggies. They're negative calories. Your goal is 750, right? These don't even count." Louis picked up a carrot stick and put it in front of Harry's mouth. "Open," He said softly. Harry did as he told and put the carrot in his mouth. "There you go, love."

"Can I feed you too?" Harry giggled as Louis fondly smiled back at him.  
Seductively, Harry put the celery stick in Louis' mouth, watching as Louis slowly wrapped his lips around the celery stick and used his tongue to get it from his hands. Harry bit his bottom lip, swallowing hard and blushing.

He's on his game tonight. I have no idea how to flirt. I look like a clown. 

"Do you want a tour?" Louis asked, looking into his eye. Harry nodded bashfully. Louis grabbed his hand and walked him around his apartment. "This is my kitchen. It's kinda small, but it gets the job done. See, these little barstools are so cute, right? This is my laundry room. Can't really do much in," he laughed. "And this is my bedroom," Louis said opened his door, hoping his room didn't smell like dirty clothes.

Harry walked into the bedroom, admiring the color scheme. Hues of navy and grey scattered the room, tinged with maroon. He tried to focus on the detail, but he could feel his vision becoming hazy. He tried to ground himself, but gravity was becoming his enemy, pulling him to the ground. 

"Your sugar is low. Need to eat."

"I did."

"One carrot stick is hardly eating. I know what you need," Louis said as if he had an aha moment. "This is probably the craziest thing I'll ever do, but it seems necessary." He began to dial numbers. "Hey Zayn...no, no. I'm good....was needing something....no, not THAT....something else.....sure...um $20 worth? Thanks." He clicked the phone.

Harry looked at him, confused. "Why did you call him?"

"Because he has what you need, Harry. I think you need to chill out a little bit. You told me that you and he used to smoke together, and so did he and I. It'll be alright."

Harry nodded, sitting down on the bed, feeling nauseous. He was still feeling shaky, and his judgment was becoming clouded.

~*~*~*~*~*~

About an hour later, a knock was heard on the door. Harry had since laid down, snuggling under Louis' plaid duvet, taking a small catnap. Louis answered it nervously, knowing that his ex-lover was on the other side.

"Louis, lovely to see you again," Zayn remarked, holding out his arms for a hug.

"You too. Here you go," Louis said, trying to give him the $20.

"No, this one is on me. I treated you pretty shitty." Zayn sighed. "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"I am kinda in the middle of something...." Louis anxiously rubbed his wrist.

"Let's go on the patio and smoke like old times. He can come too," Zayn rolled his eyes as he walked toward his bedroom. "If he's in here naked, it's nothing I haven't seen before."

Louis clenched his fist together, trying to calm himself down.

Zayn sat down beside Harry, stroking his hair gently. "I knew it was you. Recognized your car outside. Didn't want to believe it," Zayn whispered in his ear. "That you'd replace me so quickly with the likes of that crazy person out there....but then again, you're crazy too. I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of – the both of you, really."

He shook his head, snapping himself out of the monologue. "You going to wake up?" He asked, pulling the covers down. "Oh my. You've lost more weight, haven't you? Wake up....." he encouraged him. "Got something you'd like..." he said, putting the ziplock bag in front of his face.

Harry began to toss and turn, smelling the sweet aroma of a drug he hadn't had in a long time. "Louis? I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"It's me, Zayn..."

Harry flung his eyes open, becoming oriented to his surroundings. He analyzed Zayn, noticed his jawline looked fiercer today than it ever had. His chestnut eyes were shining under the fluorescent lights, and his clothes never looked so stylish. Nobody ever looks as good as the one you wanted but couldn't have.

"Come join us outside," Zayn answered, rubbing small circles on his back.  
Harry sat up, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He pulled the blanket to his chin, not wanting anyone to see him without his shirt. Though he had visible muscles and hip bones, he still felt like he could lose some more weight. He wasn't perfect, and he didn't want anyone to see him until he was so.

"I'll be outside," Zayn announced, shutting the door, giving him some privacy. He sat down on a patio chair and propped his feet up on the table. "Fucking Styles, eh? Small world," Zayn chuckled as he began to roll his joint. "Well the same-sex community is rather small compared to the rest of the population."

"I'm not," Louis defended him. "Don't talk about him that way. He told me all about how you broke his heart and left him hanging by a stupid text – the same one you left me, but you know what? It was meant to happen. I would've never met him otherwise."

"Is that so?" Zayn chuckled as he began to lick the seam of the rolling paper. "And yet, you're calling me over."

"I called you over for the drugs. What we had is over. What you and Harry had is over. He and I know all about you being with both of us at the same time."

"Can you blame me?" Zayn chuckled. "I had you longer, though, Louis. You and I go way back. We were friends who turned into fuck buddies. Then, I met Harry at university. He was my lab partner, and I couldn't resist him. Just look at him. You can't blame me for that. You never thought we were exclusive, did you?" Zayn asked, lighting up his joint and taking a puff.

"No," Louis scoffed. "But he did. You hurt him."

"Harry's sensitive," Zayn smiled as he passed the joint to Louis.

They watched when the door opened, revealing a half-asleep Harry. He felt awkward being in front of Zayn. Truth be told, he was still a little salty. He watched as Louis inhaled the weed, holding it for a second before releasing it. "Come here," he stated as Harry got on his knees in front of him, knowing exactly what to do.

Zayn watched with hungry eyes, proud that he was the one who taught Louis how to do a shotgun so well. He could feel himself crave the touch of one of them, maybe both. After all, he had both of their bodies for months, sometimes on the same day – even if they never knew about it.

Harry exhaled and smiled, sitting on the patio and putting his head in Louis' lap for him to play with his hair. "Did that help your queasiness?"  
Harry nodded as he passed Zayn the joint. Comfortable silence ensued between them, well, maybe not so comfortable.

Harry: Hey Ni. Think I'm going to stay with Louis tonight.  
Harry: & before you ask, I'm not going to sleep with him on the first date. I'm not you :-P Just tired. So don't wait up, night x. Tell Li night, too  
Niall: Alright Lad. Txt if you need me. Wear protection 😉 nite


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The relationship moves fast due to codependency and borderline personality traits. Hope you enjoy!

With the warm and fuzzy feeling beginning to wear off, Harry noticed he was beginning to sweat as the hunger pangs took a front seat in his mind. His stomach was making growling noises, declaring he was past due to eat. He didn't want to disturb Louis or Zayn, who seemed to be more than content with lounging around on the couch. Louis had one arm over his eyes, like a kitten who didn't want to be disturbed, and Zayn stared ahead as if he wanted to say something but didn't know how to start.

Harry stared at the vegetables, just as he had earlier. He tried to self-soothe himself with positive thoughts about nutrition and being dramatic, but it was no avail. The desire to not eat was winning tonight – just as it had for the past few months.

Jut eat, Harry. It's all you have to do. You will not gain weight if you eat these vegetables. You know this. Stop fucking around. Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds?

He picked up a piece of celery and began to nibble self-consciously. He wondered if the crunching noise sounded as loud as it did in his head. He wondered if everyone was judging him for being the only one eating. He wondered when his thoughts became distorted. He knew that eating was an essential part of life. He also knew he was heading down a powerless path, but he was in fear he was already too lost to turn back now.

"Oh, Harry," Zayn sighed. "Still doing that shit, eh?" He shook his head in disbelief.

"Doing what?" Harry asked.

"Nothing man...just nothing..."

Harry shot him a nervous grin as he continued to eat the vegetables. He was trying to ignore a voice in his head that kept growing with every second that passed.

You've lost control now. You're giving into the hunger. Remember when your professor made you rewrite your thesis because you wanted to sleep instead of putting that last boost of energy into the last few paragraphs? You're doing that again, giving up. The only difference is, there is no do-overs. This is not about food. What else are you going to give in to just because your brain tells you to?

Have some control, for fucks sake...for once in your miserable life.

"Harry?" Louis asked, lightly poking him.

Startled, Harry put down his carrot. He blushed, looking up and unable to speak but making eye contact nonetheless.

"I asked you if you want some water or something. I don't know about you, but I have cotton mouth," Louis offered, putting the beverage in front of him.

Harry muttered a small thank you before retreating in his thoughts. He could feel Zayn staring at him as though he was a puzzle piece or a mystery to solve.

"I think I'm going to go," Zayn said, suddenly standing up to stretch and yawn. "Thanks for inviting me over, Louis. Glad there are no hard feelings between us...."

"Of course not," Louis beamed at him, though his voice sounded shaky.

"Hey, look at me," Zayn said, cupping his chin with his hand, forcing eye contact between them. Harry noticed how uncomfortable and fragile Louis looked at that moment. His teeth were sinking deep into the side of his bottom lip, and he could see him gulp hard. "You don't need to keep doing that, Lou. It's been a long time. You're making yourself sick. There's no need to do that."

He watched as Louis shifted his weight on one foot, wrapping his arms around himself – creating a barrier between him and the rest of the world.

"No, Lou, please look at me," Zayn muttered softly as he put his hands on either side of his cheeks. "It's gotta stop, babe. Please...for me," Zayn leaned in closer, kissing him on the cheek as if he was inviting himself for intimacy. Louis flinched at first but quickly put his arms down, surrendering. Zayn noticed.

Like a fox chasing after a rabbit, Zayn agility moved in closer but no closing the gap. Harry watched as Louis froze into place – unmoving and unable to make any rational decisions. He crunched down on his vegetables curiously.

"For me," Zayn reiterated as Louis inhaled deeply before nodding his head. "Good. We can't have you sick. Regardless of what you may think happened between us, I still care about you. I didn't abandon you. You scared me, is all. I needed time to refocus."

Is he going to feed me these same lines of bullshit? Come on, Lou. You're smarter than that. I see how cunning he is now. Wake up. Join me on new adventures. Don't let him talk you back into this.

"Yeah, I understand," Louis finally replied. "Thanks for the honesty and the green tonight," He smiled as he encased Zayn's neck.

A look of satisfaction flashed across Zayn's face. "Good. I'd hate to lose you," He leaned forward to kiss Louis on the lips. He lingered there for a second, though the kiss did not deepen any farther than lips touching. "I'll see you around. You too, Harry. Bye," he waved as he walked out the door.

Harry noticed how Louis' demeanor suddenly changed. His composed nature was transforming into one of uncertainty. He sat awkwardly on the couch, wondering if he should address it or not, ultimately deciding not to. If Louis wanted to speak on the matter, he would.

"So that was fun," Harry giggled as he pushed the vegetables away.

"Eh, not so much..." Louis replied as he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to self-soothe himself. "I know I should hate him, but I can't. He's been my friend for a long time. All this romantic bullshit just clouded that."

Harry empathetically smiled at him. "He called you sick...what did he mean by that? If you don't mind me asking...."

Blushing, Louis sat down on the couch adjacent to Harry. He crossed his legs and nervously fidgeted with his fingers. "Um...well....I don't think I've ever talked to anyone about this in a long time. I mentioned it to Zayn before, and that's what scared him off...so I don't know if I should..."

Harry furrowed his eyebrows. I'm not Zayn. Maybe I need to hear this because I'm sick too.

"Oh...." Harry let his voice drop.

"I'm sorry. I'll try," Louis sat up, trying to get comfortable. "So I used to be really big into macronutrients – your carbs, fat, and protein, right? After a while, I kind of got bored with it, so I began to eat like normal, but my body didn't know how to digest what I was eating properly. It was from lack of discipline, no doubt...." Louis paused as Harry nodded, encouraging him. "I know it doesn't make sense...well, eventually, I felt so guilty ...just felt so bad."

"Hey, it's okay," Harry remarked, patting his arm.

"I started over-exercising at first. I'd run extra miles or weight lift more than I probably should have...but I couldn't stop it. One day, I was eating lunch with my sister, and I just felt so disgusting and full. I couldn't live any longer, so I excused myself...." He paused again.

Harry didn't need him to finish to connect the dots. He could recall how Louis' knuckles were red when he returned from the restroom at his apartment. He knew what was happening but couldn't.

"I didn't stop until I felt like the last ounce of food was out of me. Then I realized how energetic and the head rush it gave me, and fuck, the adrenaline felt amazing. Better than any high you can ever have...and I've been doing that ever since." Louis finished.

Okay, I wasn't quite expecting him to say it feels good.

"Thanks for sharing," How lame of a response Harry. What the hell is wrong with you?

Louis brought his fingers up to his lips, grazing over them. "Zayn...he doesn't understand it, but he's trying."

"Yeah....." Harry tried to hide the disdain in his voice. Was Zayn trying, or did he know how to make it look like he was trying?

"I'm so exhausted. I think I'm going to go to bed. You're welcome to sleep on the couch if you want." Louis offered.

"Um, thanks, but I think I'm going to head home." Harry greeted him.

"You sure?" Louis asked, a tight frown on his face.

"Yeah. Thanks for having me over."

"Thanks for coming," Louis replied, walking him to the door.

Harry didn't say anything else. He walked down the stairs and sat in his car, blasting music on his way home. The overwhelming thoughts of trying to process the nightly events were proving to be too much.

What am I even doing? Louis clearly isn't over Zayn, and he isn't going to be out of the picture anytime soon. Why was I jealous when Zayn kissed him? It made me learn I'm over Zayn, but maybe I'm falling for Louis, and this just isn't right because he clearly isn't over him.

He shared something so personal with me, and I understand all of it....but why couldn't I elaborate and have a real conversation with him? My emotional maturity is obsolete. Fuck me.

He pulled into his driveway and unlocked the key to his apartment. He quietly made his way up the stairs, trying to not wake his sleeping roommates. Sighing, he pulled his clothes off and got under the blanket. The sheets' coolness felt good on his skin, creating a relaxing atmosphere as his anxiety was raising his temperature.

With exhaustion setting in, he put his phone on charge and stretched out. He ran his hands over his ribs. He could feel them beginning to concave. A small smile emerged until he ran his hands down to his hips, grasping at meaty flesh.

"Soon enough, you'll be gone too." 

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Wait up, Lad!" Niall said, panting as he put his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

Harry jogged in front of him. Though beads of sweat dripped down his face, his inability to calm the obsessive thoughts pushed him forward. Though his hips felt like they were snapping in half, he had to continue his stride. Though Niall had asked him to slow down several times, the only voice he could listen to was the negative one telling him that he was a failure if he did.

"Just a small break!" Niall begged.

Harry looked back for a minute and saw his friend wheezing, struggling to keep up with him. It was at this moment he decided to take some control back and take a break. He retrieved some water bottles from his small satchel and gave one to Niall.

"You're so intense," Niall laughed. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were preparing for a marathon or something, Lad."

Harry raised his eyebrow playfully. "Maybe I am."

"So I noticed you came home last night. Thought you were staying over Louis' house?"

Harry bit his lip, trying to find the explanation that would lead to the least questions. "Well, you know, it was just one of those things...." Harry shrugged. "andZayncameover...."

"Wait, what? Can you say that a little slower?" Niall asked, his eyes widening.

Sighing, Harry took another sip of water before walking. When nervous, he found that pacing always helped. "Zayn came over...."

"To see who? You or Louis?" Niall asked in a gossiping tone.

"Neither....he was supposed to bring by some green but then invited himself in...and the worst part about it is he acted like he had a right to comment on my life. He said something like 'are you still doing that shit' and I had no idea what he was talking about because I was just eating...and then, as he was leaving, he gave Louis a similar lecture and kissed him." Harry looked at the ground.

"Kissed him? Wait! Did he kiss him back?" Niall asked, trying to catch up with him again.

"Well it wasn't a real kiss, just a awkward something another....I don't know. I just don't think he's over him, so I left. No big deal," Harry tried to let his voice crack.

"No big deal! Harry, I can tell when you like someone, but it does sound complicated." Niall said, patting him on the back.

"Yeah, it is. I'm just going to let them figure it out while I stay away," Harry chuckled. "I have to focus on getting employment or something. I don't have a life."

"Well, there's always the bar....but I understand, Lad. Everyone needs goals. I didn't want to say anything to you, but you've kinda been stuck for a while, huh? After you graduated, you kinda just....lost yourself. I figured it was just a phase, but here we are, over half a year later. You'll figure it out, though," Niall sympathetically smiled.

Harry wanted to listen to him, he really did, but the scenery felt like it was vibrating almost. He could feel a wooshing sound in his ears with each stride, and the trees were beginning to blur together. His stomach felt like it was in knots, and it was as if his balance was being tampered with. He swayed back and forth on his heel a couple of times before he felt his legs buckle.

Thump.

~*~*~*~*~

Harry woke up in an unfamiliar place. Fluorescent lights were hanging above his head and a neon tourniquet around his arm. He had a cold rag on his head that he quickly pushed into the floor.

"Easy there, Lad. Easy," Niall pushed him back down.

"Where am I?" Harry asked, trying to hop off of the bed he was lying on.

"Urgent care. You had quite the fall. The good news is they don't think you need to be transferred to the hospital. The bad news is you have hypotension and elevated liver enzymes," Niall pulled up a chair beside the bed. "Do you not remember coming here? You talked to me the whole way over here."

"Not really..." Harry blushed.

"Look, the nurse practitioner said you've dropped a significant amount of weight since coming here 3 months ago for your wellness check up." Niall assertively stated. "What's going on, Lad? Time to get real."

"You know I've been on those fad diets. I didn't think they were working, but I guess they were...Where's Li?" Harry questioned, changing the subject.

Before Niall could answer, the nurse came in with a pamphlet about nutrition and his discharge papers. She explained to him to eat a healthy diet and keep himself hydrated. She recommended light exercise until the fuzziness in his head went away. As they were leaving, they also noticed another brochure on the bottom of the stack.

"What the fuck do I need therapy for?!" Harry asked, opening the car window to throw it out.

"It won't be a bad idea, Lad. I'll be honest with you. This has been going on for a while. I began to notice you sleeping a lot, and you'd tell me how down you were but couldn't tell me why. Then I noticed Liam and me had to basically force you to eat with us....and you talked about the fad diets. When Zayn did that shitty stunt, it became aggressively worse. I've tried to stay out of it. You're an adult, I get it, but I just want my friend back..." Niall spoke, staring ahead, gripping the steering wheel.

"I didn't know you felt that way...." Harry gasped, feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. He tried to dissociate by watching other cars passing by, but the desire to make Niall feel better became his only focus. "I didn't realize how far I've taken everything. You're right. Isolating myself and not eating right Isn't helping anything. Starting right now, I'll be the old Harry you know and love. Fuck all this!" Harry beamed.

Niall gave him a half-smile, not sure if he believed him. "Sure thing, Lad."  
A comfortable silence followed. It allowed Harry to check his Tumblr account. He scrolled through the various blogs but realized that the only one that felt at home was the Eating Disorders Community.

Someone you follow posted on the following:

_ShadesofBlue28 – It's me once again. I'm sure if I had actual friends, I wouldn't post so much. Loneliness can do this to a person...make them depend on social media for interaction. I guess that's where I am at in life. So I wanted to talk about my life...or lack thereof.  
So my ex came over the other night and brought some weed – you know, a typical Saturday. The only problem: one he is my ex, and two, I invited my crush over, which just so happened ot be dating my ex the same time as me (we didn't know each other then...). My ex kissed me....and then my crush left.  
Anyway, I'm posting this on the Eating Disorders Community because I want to purge everything. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I don't want to move. Yet, I do. I'll eat until I get sick, physically and emotionally sick, and I can't take it anymore. I'll drink until I pass out. I'll drink until I can feel it coming back up my esophagus. When I feel that 'point' where I'm about to burst, then the fun sets in.  
Purging is like a high. It's the only way I can explain it. It releases endorphins. I live for the tears down my face, the snot in my nose, and the release of happy hormones. Then, there are times I am so depressed, I don't eat at all. No endorphins, then. Just pure darkness. Fun times.  
To my crush: it was a wise decision that you left the other night because I am beyond repair. My head is so fucked up that I am not sure if I am coming or going. I don't even know what I want anymore. Being with someone will only make them try and stop me from doing this, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. You're so wonderful that I don't want to fuck you up anymore.  
This will probably be my last post for a long time. I'm disconnecting myself from social media, any social contact, really. _

~*~*~*~*~

When morning arrived, Harry consciously walked into the kitchen and sat down for breakfast with his friends. He poured himself some ice water and scooped some fruit in his plate along with some pancakes. He smothered some butter on top and drizzled some maple syrup.

Fuck, I can do this. The key is not thinking about it.

"I was thinking about recording again," Harry blurted out, cutting his pancakes into tiny pieces. "I have some composition pieces I haven't even looked at in months."

Niall smiled at him, getting another stack of pancakes. "I think that's a great idea, Lad. If you need help with the acoustic, you know I'm available."

"Of course!" Harry beamed as he looked down at his plate. Okay, I think I started too strong. I'll just drink my juice and eat some fruit. I shouldn't have put the butter on there. What the fuck was I thinking?

"There's still a spot at the diner!" Liam chimed in. "If you ever need extra cash."

"I know, I know," Harry groaned. He put a piece of blueberry in his mouth, tasting the slimy texture before swallowing thickly. A sense of guilt crossed his mind as the food made its way down his esophagus and into his stomach. "I think I'm going to go on my morning jog now."

"I wouldn't recommend it, Lad. It's raining so hard right now, and you hardly touched your pancakes!" Niall protested. "We just talked about this yesterday. You can skip a day."

"Yeah, you're right," Harry looked down at his plate. "I'm just going to get something out of the fridge." He walked into the kitchen out of sight and raked his plate into the trash, and power walked outside before anyone could lecture him.

He ran – not giving a damn about the water making his clothes and shoes feeling heavier or the way it was making his skin feel like a prune. He could see the destruction in front of him, knowing that maybe he did need help, but he was not there yet. In this moment, he was where the notion to run was the only way to cope with his torturous thoughts.

He wasn't sure where he was going until he saw an apartment complex in front of him. Soaked, cold, and without purpose, he knocked helplessly on apartment 928. He knocked until he lost count, but nobody answered. 

"Please!" He pleaded though it was no use.

He was much too tired to go back home, at least right now – so he just sat there. He sat there and thought about how eating blueberries sent him down a path of distorted thoughts, thoughts he knew were not healthy yet; he could not control them. - And if he could, he did not know-how. He was under complete sovereignty, a prisoner to a disease that he wasn't sure he had.

"Harry?" Disheveled, despaired, and damaged, Louis opened the door. He was wearing a tracksuit that was hardly staying upon his hips. The string was pulled so tight, he had to do a double knot. Harry never noticed how powerless he actually was. "What are you doing here? Come inside! You're soaked!"

Louis rushed him in, almost having to pull him inside. He thought he could see tears streaming down his face, but maybe it was just his curls dripping liquid. He quickly wrapped him in a blanket.

"What are you doing?"

"I...." Harry bit his lip. "I'm fucked up, Louis. I'm fucked up, and I don't know when, why, how. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to stop listening to this voice in my head. I used to have my own voice. I loved to sing. I loved to write...I don't do anything anymore! ANYTHING!"

"Harry....."

"And I try to eat, I do. God, I do. I love food. I love the taste, the smell...I love to cook....but it makes me so sick. It makes me feel like I've lost myself...and I don't know where I am in this world anymore!" Harry shivered, trying to wrap the blanket around himself more.

"And these clothes are clinging to me, and all I can think about is how fat I look and how you're going to kiss Zayn again because my love handles. You're the only one who understands me, and you're really cool to talk to, but I blew it. I'm too lame." Harry breathed in.

"Harry, I like you too, I do. I'm just as fucked up. We recognize it, don't we? Maybe Tumblr brought us together, but it's up to us to keep it that way. Why don't you go and change? Follow me!" Louis guided Harry to his bathroom. "Here, these should fit." He handed Harry the clothes and left the room.

"What is happening right now?" He asked himself quietly, rubbing his face with his hands.

Not long after. Harry came out shyly in a pair of Adidas bottoms and a long-sleeved tee. Not usually one to wear athletic clothes, he felt uncomfortable – not to mention how loose the clothes were on him. He wondered how Louis, who had a much smaller bone structure, could fit into them and keep them up.

"Here, let me show you instead!" Louis said, taking Harry's hand and guiding him into his bathroom. "You want to know the reason Zayn left me?" Louis walked into his bedroom and pulled a box out from under his bed. "First, I'll eat all this food in one sitting." Louis showed Harry his food wrappers. "Then I'll go in the bathroom, like so, and then I stick my finger or my toothbrush or whatever down my throat and vomit it all up until I feel satisfied."

"I don't understand....." Harry felt a lump in his throat. "Why gorge yourself to only throw it up?"

"Zayn left me because I was on my knees more for porcelain than I was for him," Louis snapped. "And the best part about it was – it gave me all the more reason to keep doing it because nobody gives a shit about me anyway."

"I care about you!" Harry retorted.

"I used to be like you, you know. I would starve myself, but the hunger, oh, the hunger took over, and all I could think about was food, and I couldn't stop myself. The feeling of being full was disgusting, so I started purging, as they call it. So, what. If you're going to leave me, too, you know the way out," Louis opened the bathroom door and walked into his bedroom.

Huffing, he grabbed the box of empty wrappers and slung them across the room before walking over to them, picking them up, and letting them free fall all over his floor. Harry thought the destruction was over, but he realized he was far from wrong when Louis walked over to his pantry.

"Pasta. Bad food," Louis said, opening the box of bowtie noodles and pouring them into the floor. "Quaker oatmeal, yuck! Rice? Another carb! Prepacked brownie mix.....cereal!" He continued throwing foods over his shoulders.

"Louis!" Harry ran over to him. "Stop, stop. It's okay! It's okay! I get it, okay? I get it!" Harry watched as his shoe print was left on the ground encased in oatmeal oats. "I know it's like to lose control of yourself, to not know what reality is anymore. How food becomes your friend and your enemy. I get it!"

"You don't get it!" Louis yelled. "Nobody does!"

Harry walked over to the bathroom without saying a word and began to fill the tub up with water. He snooped the shelves until he found something that would provide comfort to someone in a time of crisis. Though he did not find any essential oils, he found a bag of Epsom salt and poured most of its contents. Next, he found some hand soap and poured enough to make frothy bubbles.

Though Louis was still creating a mess in his pantry, Harry bravely weathered the storm and picked him up, carrying him into the bathroom.

"Put me down!" Louis demanded.

"This always helps me relax," Harry cooed as he tugged at Louis' shirt. "I know your body-conscious, so I won't peek. Please."

He could hear Louis huffing as he removed his shirt. He could hear him unzipping his jeans and toeing off his shoes.

"I only agree to this because I have crumbs all over me," Louis glared at him. "You can open your eyes now." Harry heard the swishing of the water as Louis submersed himself into the tub. He could only see his collarbones and head standing out of the water, his arms carelessly draped over the tub.

"I probably should go...." Harry said, walking toward the door.

"Stay, please...." Louis quickly reached for Harry's hand.

"Louis, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"I don't want to be alone. Please!" Louis begged.

Hesitantly, Harry kicked off his shoes and rolled up his jeans, sitting on the edge of the tub and putting his feet in the water. He watched as Louis gave him a pouty look.

"Will you sit with me?"

"Louis....I'm too fat to get undressed in front of you."

"Please...." Louis batted his eyelashes and pouted his bottom lip. Sighing, Harry removed his jeans but kept on his boxers and shirt.

He positioned himself between Louis' legs and laid back on his chest. He smiled when Louis put his arms around his waist, pulling him closer to him.

"Your hip bones are jabbing my back," Harry groaned.

"Well, your long-ass hair is getting in my mouth," Louis giggled. "I used to do that, you know. Even when nobody else was in the room, I'd have my shirt on. I never wanted to look at myself. It's another reason he left me....my low confidence was getting in the way." Louis wrapped his fingertips under the hem of Harry's shirt and tugged upward.

"No!" Harry protested. "I hate my body..."

"Shh!" Louis hummed in his ear. "I won't look. Just want to feel your skin on mine."

Nodding, Harry lifted his arms as Louis removed the shirt glued to him by the water. He put it on the floor with a splat noise and watched as Harry slowly leaned back, so his back was touching Louis' chest.

Louis moved Harry's hair to one side of his shoulder and rubbed his hand down the back of his neck before laying back against the bathtub. "Do you want to stay the night? I have to work tomorrow but not until late......I'd love the company."

"Yeah?" Harry smiled as he looked back at him, putting his ear against Louis' chest. "Would you like if I did this?" He teased as he began to caress Louis' cheek, staring at him at an awkward angle, putting his gaze on his lips. Quickly, he turned around and put one leg on top of the other, feeling Louis try and pull him closer. He cupped a handful of bubbles and put them on Louis' face, making a bubble beard. "Perfect."

"The water's getting cold. Do you want to go and cuddle? I'm sorry I'm so bad at this. I don't know how to...relationship," Louis shuddered. "You can leave if you want. I'm so awkward and lame...."

"I'll meet you in there," Harry replied. Quickly, Louis got up and wrapped a towel around himself, hurrying to his room. Harry submersed himself under the water, hearing the roaring waves as he drained the tub. He could feel the muscle below his waist harden. 

~*~*~*~*

Harry walked into Louis' bedroom, hugging the towel up to his chest to the point his knuckles were turning white. It was as if his life depended on keeping himself hidden. If he dropped it, he was convinced he would shrivel up and die from embarrassment and shame.

He looked at Louis, who seemed to not give a single fuck about the chaos in his room as he laid among the mess he made earlier. He watched as Louis laid on his stomach, his shoulder blades protruding. He could count his spinal disk. Inside, it provoked something inside of him.

Am I that small? Can people see my spine? My bones? Will I ever be as thin as....Louis...as all the Tumblr users? No! I'm not there yet. He's going to think I'm disgusting. He obviously thinks slim is the only way someone is attractive, or he wouldn't put so much pressure on himself..., and Zayn is so tiny without trying. My thighs are thick, my love handles still haven't gone away.

"Come here," Louis patted the spot beside him.

"Can I borrow some more of your clothes first?" Harry asked shyly as Louis reluctantly nodded.

"How about you take them off when you're under the covers? I just want to feel your skin...okay?"

Nodding, Harry slipped on a white muscle tee and shorts before getting under the blankets. Louis tugged at the hem as he removed them, pulling the blanket tightly around himself.

"Your heart is pounding," Louis observed. "Are you okay?"

"I just feel really exposed right now...and I'm not as skinny as you are. I'm sorry I'm so disgusting." Harry kept one arm protectively around the blanket, the other on his waist.

Louis lightly bit his shoulder as Harry giggled in half pleasure and pain. "It's not even true. I know you won't believe me, but I'm going to say it anyway. You're beautiful."

Harry felt his cheeks turning the color of fresh strawberries. He tried to find words, but he began to stutter. "I don't think I'm....I mean....thanks."

"Don't thank me for telling the truth. You ARE beautiful." Louis moved his arm to feel Harry's hipbone, which was sticking out profoundly as he laid on his side. "You're so fit, Harry. All that running you do...your body is healthy right now, but your mind is another story. I understand, though, and I know it's hard." Louis kept his hand on his hip, squeezing lightly. "But I want you to know, every-time you call me small or skinny, I want to scream at you and tell you to get the fuck out because I hate liars. I did that to Zayn more than once."

"You bring him up a lot," Harry retorted.

"I do?" Louis questioned as Harry replied with an uh-huh. "I'm sorry. I'm so lost and confused about everything. I think I'm going to try and get some help again. My family has been begging me...but I don't have anyone to watch Clifford."

"What kind of help?" Harry asked curiously.

Before Louis could reply, Clifford jumped in the bed, whining. "Don't worry, boy, I don't think it'll be long." He patted the dog's soft fur. "Um, well, they want me to do like a retreat-rehab-type thing with horses or something. Sounds lame, I know, but I feel so crazy."

"Help for what?"

"My...um...." Louis gulped. "Anorexia, purging type," he whispered. "And my depression, anxiety, lack of control in my life. It's not that I care about Zayn in that type of way anymore. It's just...I don't know how to stop obsessing about him leaving me and making me feel inadequate. I have this desire to win him back, prove to myself that I am good enough...that I was good enough for him."

Flipping over, Harry looked at him thoughtfully. "He was never good enough for YOU, Louis. I wish I would meet you sooner. I would've never made you feel that way, you know? He's an asshole, and looking back, I just used him because I was lonely – and liked his weed, and the sex was decent at best."

Swallowing, Louis put his head in the crook of Harry's neck. "Do you think he ever left me to go and see you?"

"Louis...." Harry tried to get Louis to look at him, but Louis dead-weighted himself on Harry's body.

"We'd hang out all day...playing video games or fucking around on the guitar. When it got dark, we'd fuck on my couch or his futon. I'd always ask him to sleep over, and sometimes he would, but there were times when he would make up some shitty excuse....and leave....and probably go and spend the time with you...because I wouldn't see him for days."

"Louis....."

"And now I see it, Harry. You're a better person than me. You are the sweetest and most kind person I've ever met, and you're beyond attractive. You're just beautiful all the way around, and I'm just a wash-up, depressed, and unable to function as an adult...." Louis peeled the covers down off his body.

His naked body shivered as he instructed Harry to close his eyes and grabbed his hand. He guided Harry's fingertips to rub up and down his thigh, staring as Harry's facial expression became confused by the coarse texture.

"You couldn't see them in the bathtub because of the bubbles...but I'm ugly....I am sorry I'm spilling my guts to you, Harry. I guess you can only hold stuff in so long before you explode and can't contain yourself."

"Don't ever apologize for talking to me. I want to listen and be here for you." Harry lulled as he felt Louis' thigh one more time.

"I was too wasted one night and tried to carve the fat out of my thigh with a kitchen knife. That's the indention you feel on this leg.." Louis grabbed Harry's hand. "And on this one, well, I just trying to stay alive."

Harry jerked his hand away as he felt line after line of scars; some he wasn't so sure were old.

"Please don't leave me," Louis rustled as Clifford made a whining noise.

"Can I open my eyes now?" Harry requested permission. Louis quickly threw the blanket over himself. He reached down and felt the scars under his fingertips once again. "I've got scars even though they can't always be seen. You're not alone and have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise I won't leave you."

"And you'll be here when I get back?" Louis pouted.

"Yes, and Clifford too. I'm going to take care of him for you."

"I can't promise you a relationship or love....or happiness," Louis argued. "Why stay?"

"Because I'm not looking for happiness, a relationship, or even love, Louis. I just like spending time with you, and if friends are what you want to be – I'll be here." Harry said, taking his hand. "My heart is still beating out of my chest."

"We don't trust each other yet," Louis observed. "Can't even show our bodies to each other."

"But I trust you enough to lay here with you, let you touch my hips..." Harry pointed out. "It's okay, Lou. Baby steps."

"What if you're still sick when I get back? You need help, too...or we'll just be in a toxic cycle. My sister told me that the other day when I asked for advice...and at first, I wanted to bitch her out – but she's right." Louis sighed. "Will you?'

"I'll think about it," Harry inhaled. "I'm not sick."

Louis didn't argue with him, for he remembered the early stages before the acceptance period. He instead moved his body closer to Harry's, intertwining their legs and sharing Harry's pillow. He shut his eyes for a few seconds, fighting back tears – because crying is not something he wanted to do tonight. Yet, as he laid there in silence, he heard Harry silently sobbing.

"I'm not sick," Harry repeated. "Just because I want to have the perfect music composition, thesis, body....life....don't we all?"

Still not replying, Louis listened patiently as Harry ranted about all the reasons he did not have a mental affliction.

"I know," Louis agreed – understanding all too well his words would be empty. "I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty tired. You don't have to stay the night....you can leave....like you did the other night....."

Now it was Harry's turn to not argue. Telling Louis, it was absurd to let Zayn kiss him to create confusion in his already distorted mind.

"No, I want to lay here with you. It's nice."

Smiling, Louis ran his finger down Harry's jawline, gazing into the mossy eyes in front of him. "It is nice. I concur." Harry leaned in closer to him, feeling their nose's brush. Louis closed his eyes – the only way he could regain some control. "No, we can't kiss yet. It'll be under false pretenses. We're saving that for when we're healthy and able to sort out how we truly feel....."

Nodding, Harry agreed but quickly pecked Louis's cheek. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Louis whispered back as Harry flipped over, pushing his bottom out to meet the curve of Louis' thighs and hips.

When he was convinced, he tiptoed over to his dresser, opening the bottom drawer and sneaking away with a little box. He walked over to his bathroom, softly shutting the door before sitting down on the toilet.

A broken piece of a razor without the plastic casing rested between the pads of his finger. He pulled his skin taut about to run the blade across his thigh when Harry opened the door and startled him, causing him to drop the blade.

"I just needed to do it one more time before I got locked up, you know?" Louis asked with no remorse in his voice. "You think I'm disgusting, insane...I just need to do it one more time, and I won't anymore. Don't look at my legs, PLEASE!"

"Your brain is doing that to you every day - hurting you. Every day you purge, the acid is doing that to you. Come back to bed, please? I'm cold." Harry carefully walked over to Louis and crouched down.

"Right now, I'm completely defenseless," Louis sobbed.

Harry grabbed his hands and pulled him up, guiding him back to the bed despite the mountain of trash littered across his floor. He laid Louis down, getting a close look at his thighs for the first time, even though the room was mostly dark.

Tan skin covered in countless scars was on his right leg. Words such as worthless, fat, and crazy were carved on some of the lines. The left leg had exactly what Louis described – a thick indention with hair missing. Louis stared blankly at the wall, his head tilted to the side, not even caring that he was naked - more worried about the self-harm's judgment. Tears still continued to drip down his cheeks.

Gulping, Harry continued to stroke the scars, trying to not cause any boundaries. "You know, I think if you were to peek inside of me, my sanity would look just like that." He crawled over to Louis, putting himself into a ball, laying on his bony chest. "You're so brave for getting help."

"I hope that you won't run from me," Louis uttered before the exhaustion consumed him. He closed his eyes, entangling their legs together. He could feel Harry still feeling his scars. "Do they make you feel sorry for me?"

"No. They make me see the real you. When I met you at the bar, you were so confident, poised; yet, here we are. Thanks for not pretending around me anymore."

"Thanks for still being here." 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Everybody knew when it was time for Harry to actually get help. Hunched over the kitchen table, barely able to stay awake and mumbling about how many calories were on his plate, he couldn't comfort Clifford, much less himself. He didn't deny that he didn't need help – he just simply stated he wasn't sure if he did or not. This had become his normal for so long.

It wasn't that he looked incredibly sick – no. Not much had changed in the weight department, at least not to the visible eye. His mossy eyes were still intact, glimmering though a little weepy. His hair still had a bouncy texture that he loved to push out of his eyes and fluff up, and his clothes still complimented a lean silhouette.

It was his soul that was broken. Louis had been gone 28 days when this episode happened. Harry hadn't heard a single word from him but somehow did not take that to heart as he asked him to focus on himself while he was in treatment. Sitting at the outpatient clinic himself, he pondered on his promise he made to Louis about getting better, too, and how he denied he was sick over and over again.

"This is normal. The whole theme of an eating disorder is distortion, Harry," the therapist would inform him though Harry wasn't so sure he believed him. Looking hopeful, Niall tapped his back. 

Twice a week, sitting in the little office, Harry would sit and stare at the therapist – unable to trust him with his deepest thoughts and emotions. He rendered this process useless and had thoughts about ditching the entire thing and helping himself. He would, except he didn't know how to help himself – and he was tired of feeling tired.

"Therapy is only as helpful as much as you're willing to help yourself. I simply provide education and coping skills for you to use, but you have to choose when and where to use them and how. I'm simply a guide," the therapist assured him.

"I, um, okay...wow. This is hard, So I used to be in a band, White Eskimo, and I was the lead singer/songwriter. We did small gigs at coffee shops and what have you, but then I got swamped in college and had to put it on the back burner to work on my thesis. I've never been able to just do something; it must be done perfectly, precisely, and with purpose. After I graduated, I didn't have anything to focus on."

The therapist nodded, silently writing notes down.

"So I got involved with a great guy at would come to my friend's bar, Zayn. He was cool – we would just hang out. He'd relax me, but now I'm not so sure it wasn't the weed...we'd talk about everything and nothing at all. We'd cuddle and have sex, and things were great for a while.

He started to pull away and become irritated with me. I thought it was because of something I did, and while trying to figure it out – I lost myself a little. Well, it wasn't just that. I had just graduated and didn't have anything to do, and I gained a little weight because I just lounged around the house depressed.

One day, he just stopped calling, and without him there to distract me, I kind of decided I wasn't going to let anyone else have the power to make me feel inferior, so I went on a journey to be perfect. It quickly turned into this messy diet where I did nothing but restrict and wish I was dead. It wasn't the first time either. I've done this since I was fifteen."

"Go on," the therapist encouraged.

"So I posted on Tumblr. I was obsessed with the advice and thinspiration there. I got a reply, a sweet one, from a male also struggling with body image – and wouldn't you know, he was beautiful, and we met at the bar, too. He even knew Zayn."

Gulping, Harry stopped talking for a minute. The therapist sat with her legs crossed, patiently waiting on him to continue. Harry thought it was awkward, but she appeared unbothered. - Eventually, he gave into the uneasy feeling in the room.

"We hung out a lot, and he tried to tell me I was sick, though...I wasn't ready to believe him. Niall told me I was sick. Liam told me I was sick. My mom would cry when she came to visit, but fuck, I didn't see it. I still don't. I'm not sick, but there's something wrong with me, and I don't know what."

"What do you THINK is wrong?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly.

There was no profound epiphany for him. He did his CBT homework exercises, threw away the calorie journal, limited his exercise, and watched as Liam went outside and ran over the bathroom weight scale over and over and over with a cathartic smirk on his and Niall's lips.

There was no rapid weight loss or weight gain. There was only a slow insight to distortions into feelings, emotions, guilt, happiness. There wasn't any sudden "Hey, I'm better!" When he woke up in the morning.

In fact, there were still times he would hold his breath under the bathtub water, surrounded by the lilac bath bombs, wishing he would just stop being. There were still times he would make Clifford sleep at the bottom of the bed because he wasn't in the mood to be cuddled, but then there were the nights, he would cry into the curly fur, talking about how everyone is trying to make him fat.

His insurance only allotted 12 sessions, but he felt a little empowered and able to function again in the end. He wanted to have the perspective of food being a survival necessity and not the enemy. So, Niall gave him the freedom to cook at the bar on Wednesdays and Friday to give him purpose. He was able to make his various nightly specials.

Tonight's recipe involved crab cake sliders with spicy mayo. He rinsed off the leeks, celery, and onion and diced them before putting them in a bowl to sauté with butter. Next, he folded crab meat with mayonnaise, parsley, cayenne pepper, and vegetables. He slowly mixed in bread crumbs and shaped the mixture into patties.

"Smells good so far, Lad!" Niall sighed, floating over him.

"Thanks," he blushed as he dredged the cake into flour, then eggs, then bread crumbs. "I don't know how they'll turn out, but I hope your customers like them." He walked over to the stove and put the cakes in the medium-high skillet, hearing a sizzling noise.

"They'll love them."

Once complete, he wiped his brow and walked out of the kitchen He sat himself down on the crate by the door. He fondly smiled as he remembered tripping over Louis and getting called Bambi.

"I could use one of his cigarettes about now," he chuckled out loud.

When he entered the kitchen, he delivered his crab cakes to the customers who ordered them, then deciding to fill in as the bartender for the evening. He tried to be social and relax, though it wasn't easy for him – not anymore, anyway.

I think I saw her look at my waist. God, this 'recovery' is causing me to be fat. I should probably just keep on doing it. Did he just gossip about me to his friend? Am I too disgusting to be a bartender?

His throat began to constrict a little as he excused himself, clutching on the kitchen counter. "Inhale, 1..2..3..exhale...inhale...1...2...3...exhale," he repeated. "Think of something that makes you happy...." He repeated his coping skills. "He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They make me happy."

"Harry?" Liam asked, poking him on the shoulder. "Why don't you go home for the night, yeah?"

"Thanks, Li," Harry kindly accepted the offer, hanging his apron upon the provided station. He didn't see the smirk emerging across Liam and Niall's face.

~*~*~*~*~

"Clifford I'm home!" Harry yelled, toeing off his shoes. A small emotion of panic began to gnaw at him. "Clifford, here, doggie! Where are you?" It was out of character, really. Clifford would usually greet him before he could even open the door.

"There you are!" Harry cooed as he knelt down to pet him.

"That's truly a wonderful sight to see – my two curly loves."

Harry stood up and stopped in his tracks, thinking he had lost his mind.

"Can't tell which one is more lovely."

Wait...

He turned around quickly on his heel with tears streaming down his face. "You're home!"

"That I am!" Louis greeted him. Without hesitation, Harry lifted him up and carried him to the bed. Louis didn't have any defense except to giggle and accept the cuddles.

"I missed you!"

"Missed you too," Louis exclaimed, petting his hair. "I couldn't go home without seeing you two, ya know."

"But when....when did you get discharged?"

Louis straddled his lap, letting Harry caress him. "Two days ago. I spent some time with my family before coming home. I'm sorry I didn't call. I wasn't allowed to call non-family members. "

"It's okay!" Harry said excitedly.

Suddenly, Louis grabbed Harry and smelled of his shirt. "You smell like seafood."

Harry buried his face in the crook of his neck, bashful. "Yeah. I've been cooking at the bar. Tonight's special was crab cakes..."

"Crab cakes, eh?" Louis teased. "So cute. Hey, stop hiding. Look at me and tell me how you've been."

"Well, I did what you said and got some help."

"I see that. You're glowing," Louis bit his shoulder playfully.

"Lou!" Harry giggled. "And I learned that my desire to be perfect fuels most of the things I do – rather it be a good or bad thing."

"Uh-huh..." Louis responded, moving his mouth to nibble on his neck.

Harry whimpered and giggled at the same time. "I can't talk if you're going to be frisky!"

"No, no. Do continue, please! I'll be good!" Louis said, putting his hands in his lap, staring forward.

Amused, Harry continued with his story, watching as Louis squirmed in his seat. "And if I can perfect the art of living in the present instead of worrying how things will turn out, I should be okay for the most part. It's a daily struggle, but I've been working on the things that I was learning all wrong."

Louis nodded, biting his lower lip before lunging forward. "Can I behave later? I missed you!" He retorted, climbing on top of him and pinning his wrist to the bed.

Harry let his lips escape an oversized grin as he peered into the blue eyes already gazing down at him. "You still think I'm attractive?"

"Inside and out. I missed you....a lot and I thought about us everyday. I thought for sure some James Dean type would come and swoop you away while I was gone because why would you want on someone as gross and broken as me?" Louis admitted. "I didn't even give you a proper kiss before I left."

"I thought about you, too!" Harry tried to pry his wrist out of Louis' grasp by wiggling, but he rendered it useless. "Lou, I want to hug you!"

"I want to take things slow, Harry. We are not the same people we were...let's get to know each other again. Did we even know each other before?"

"It's just a hug, silly!" Harry protested as Louis let go of his wrist. He wrapped his legs around Louis' back, bringing them closer together as he snaked his arms around his back.

"You. Are. So. Sweet!" Louis swooned, putting the emphasis on each syllable as he kissed Harry's neck. "Take it slow, take it slow," he kept whispering to himself.

Harry released his legs and sat up, making Louis do the same. He interlaced their fingers together before sitting In the space between Louis' legs, nonverbally asking to be the little spoon. "So, my name is Harry Styles, and I like this person, but I don't know how he feels about me because he thinks we may not know each other....but I can't say I agree with him because I know how he makes me feel and it's the same way before he left. He hasn't changed as much as he thinks he has...he just has a healthier perspective. Do you have any advice for me, Tumblr user?"

"Sounds like quite the dilemma..." Louis teased, his voice rising an octave. "Maybe the guy is afraid he will mess up the good thing they have. He tends to self-sabotage. It's easy to function in a facility, but in the real world, he hasn't quite figured that out yet."

"I think he should take a chance," Harry assured him as he leaned in forward.

Louis felt his breath hitch as he felt Harry's lips dangerously close to his own. "I....think I should get Clifford home. It's late," Louis huffed. He climbed out of bed and looked back at a pouty Harry. "Don't worry, love, I'll be back tomorrow. We can talk then. Goodnight." 

"Goodnight," Harry forced a smile and waited on Louis to close the door behind him. He fell backward in the bed, tugging at his lower lip. "I think that went well...I think?" He thought as he headed toward the shower.

~*~*~*~

"Don't worry about me, Styles. I'll be able to keep up!" Louis exclaimed as he put a hoodie on over his t-shirt. Harry gasped as he couldn't help but stare at the small preview of Louis' cut stomach. Blushing, Louis pulled his hoodie down quickly. "Yeah, my body kinda changed in recovery. Don't know how I feel about it."

"I do," Harry growled as he grabbed him by the hips.

"Focus, Harold!" Louis said, stepping backwards. "You're making me have negative thoughts about my body," Louis bent down to tie his Adidas sneaker but was quickly pinned to the floor.

"But why?" Harry whined. "I don't mean to. It's just...before, I was scared to touch you. You bruised easily, looked nauseous all the time. Now, I can have my way with you!"

"Have your way with me? Who are you, and where is my Haribo?" Louis teased. "Niall, save me!" He yelled as Harry put his hand over his mouth. Louis playfully licked his palm as Harry quickly pulled it away and wiped it on his athletic shorts. 

Niall waved from the window, fondly moving his head.

"Okay, let's get this run over with since you won't let me touch you," Harry huffed as he began to stretch his muscles. Giggling, Louis followed suit.

It wasn't his typical run. It was his first time exercising since getting going to Therapy. With the wind blowing on his back, he let his thoughts run free. He tried to keep the correct form, but his arms kept trying to cover his stomach. He couldn't help but do a comparison of his body next to Louis', who was noticeably lean and defined from working out in rehab.

A mile later, panting between them, they stopped under a shaded tree to rest. Louis gulped down his water bottle as he laid on his back.

"This heat is brutal!"

"Agreed," Harry replied as he laid down beside him. "Confession: I feel inadequate compared to you."

"Why?" Louis asked, confused.

"You look amazing. I look like a cow," Harry groaned.

"Shut your mouth, Harold! Do you not remember me hardly able to contain myself last night?" Louis challenged, shocked as he crawled over to him, nibbling on his shoulder. "Remember?"

Harry breathed in heavily, still trying to regulate his breathing. "I don't think I'm doing as good as you are in this 'recovery' process."

Louis rolled over on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. "It's not a competition. Feeling like shit physically and emotionally is a part of the struggle. Do you think I went to inpatient and suddenly I'm cured? Nah. It isn't like that. Just this morning, I had to stop myself from trying to give Clifford my eggs."

Smiling, Harry rolled off his back and onto his side as well, mirroring Louis' position. "I know you wanted to wait until...well, I'm not sure, but can I kiss you now?" He pouted.

Without giving Louis time to reply, he scooted over to him and pushed him on his back, slowly straddling his torso and leaning down to kiss him. Intending to make their first kiss slow and sweet, he tried to pace himself; however, he quickly noticed that this was anything but a safe kiss. Instead, Louis cupped the back of Harry's head, pushing him even more in his mouth. Tongue and teeth were colliding in a heated frenzy.

"Wait!" Louis pulled away slightly. "We're at the park...." He suddenly remembered. "Let's go back to my place, yeah?"

"But we'd have to jog there!" Harry whined, trying to pull him back in.

"All the more reason!" Louis said, standing up before sprinting off.

"Hey! Wait!" Harry giggled.

~*~*~*~*~

Louis almost dropped the key, trying to unlock his apartment door a couple times before he found success.

When he pushed the door open, he was caught off guard by an eager Harry pinning him against the wall.

"I'm sweaty!" Louis complained.

"Don't care," Harry panted in his mouth as he lifted him up. "4 months of pure torture, Louis Tomlinson. Wanted to do this ever since I saw you with that cute apron on in the bar." Harry purred.

He wrapped an arm behind Louis' back and removed his hoodie and T-shirt. He tossed them on the floor and silently prayed that Louis wouldn't protest. A smile escaped his lips when Louis started to untie the string on his shorts and pulled them down his thighs. Harry's hands joined in, trying to speed up the process. 

"Um....you've been hiding all of THAT from me?" Harry growled as he stepped back for a second to fully admire Louis. Like a statue, he just stood there and analyzed every inch of Louis' body. "You're so incredible." He took a step closer, his fingertips brushed over the coarse texture of self-harm scars. 

Flinching, Louis shut his eyes tightly, feeling naked and vulnerable. The faint sound of Zayn's voice was ringing in his ears.

_"I love you, Lou, but why did you do that to your thigh? I can't stop staring at it."_

Harry traced his fingers up and down Louis's hipbones and thighs repeatedly as Louis felt the goosebumps everywhere, causing him to tremble forward.

"Your turn," Louis said, stilling his hands and hooked Harry's shirt with his fingers. Harry tried to not pay attention to the voice in his head telling him how much weight he gained since he started eating again. "It's okay. It isn't real," Louis sympathetically pointed out. "You're....wow.." Louis peppered a series of kisses along Harry's collarbones, his right hand raked through soft curls while his left held himself steady with Harry's hips. "Off," He said, untying the string on his shorts.

Harry obliged and removed his shorts. He felt Louis run his hand down his tiger tattoo on his thigh. He smiled at him for a second before Louis nipped at his Adam's apple, causing him to jut his hip forward and let out a throaty moan. "You taste like Heaven." Louis hummed, satisfied.

Harry panted and threw his head back as Louis continued to nip at his skin, his pupils became completely blown, and his knees were getting weak. "Can we...can we maybe go to your bed?"

"Yes! I mean....yes, of course," Louis answered, nodding his head in agreement. He laced his fingers in-between Harry's and guided him into his room. His bed was unmade, but right now, he couldn't bother.

"Do you mind not looking at me?" Harry pleaded. "Can I blindfold you?'

"This isn't some kinky desire, is it? You want me blindfolded because you're ashamed of your body....Harry," Louis whispered in his ear. "I adore every inch of you," Louis declared. "Every single one, and no, I can't grant your request. I want to see you."

"But..." Harry pouted. "I don't look as good as you do, and I feel like you're judging me for it."

Louis shook his head in disbelief. "No. I'm going to show you that you are damn near perfect. We've known each other a long time now, and I wanted to do this just as long. I am going to slowly open you up and make you feel so good inside. Can I do that for you?"

Harry tilted his head back as Louis slid his tongue down his ear lobe. "Please do that for me," he begged.

Louis began to kiss at Harry's jawline, his hand slowly tracing down his torso, crawling his fingers down to his boxer line before snaking in. "Make you feel so good, but you have to promise me you won't think anything negative. Just sit back and enjoy."

"Okay," Harry muttered, digging his teeth deep into his bottom lip. "I can do that. Okay." Harry gripped Louis' thighs, making circles with this thumb on the deep cuts. "And then I can make you feel good?"

"I already feel good!" Louis groaned as he guided Harry down to the soft mattress. He kissed at his collarbones one more time before sliding his tongue down past his navel, stopping only for a second to tease before he removed the last article of clothing that was between him and his treasure.

He turned Harry's hand over, so his knuckles were digging into the mattress as he laced their fingers together. He slowly ground on his hips, though he was still partially dressed.

"Be my boyfriend," He knelt down and whispered in Harry's ear. "Only mine."

"Only yours," Harry dumbly repeated. "Only yours." Harry opened his eyes, seeing Louis's abs contract as he moved his hips rhythmically. "God, you are so so so perfect."

Louis could feel a hundred different emotions circulating throughout his body, the most identifiable one: fear.

What if Harry is just saying this because I just came home from treatment? What if he feels sorry for me and doesn't mean it? What if I look hideous and he is too afraid to tell me?

Louis began to slow down his movement, clinging onto Harry's hand tighter than ever. Harry noticed the sudden shift. He used his free hand to rest it on Louis' hips. "I mean it, you know. Perfect. Yesterday, the day before, today. I always wanted you in every sense of the word possible."

Zayn used to say that to me, too, but he obviously didn't think so, or he wouldn't have needed a side piece. Oh fuck, Louis, get out of your head. Stay in the moment.

Fuck, I can't!

Though both were equally self-conscious, and even though Louis was the first to reassure the other - it was him who was beginning to fray at the seams. He let go of Harry's hand and crawled out of bed. "You know, a blindfold actually sounds like a sexy idea."

"I changed my mind, though. I want us to look at each-other, Lou. I know I'm an emotional ball of fluff, but we need this. We need trust. I'm all yours, and you're all mine, remember?" Harry sits upon his knees and brings Louis back into bed, letting his hands explore every inch of his skin. "Tonight, I want to love you." He stated as he took control.

"You've always been stronger than me," Louis confessed. "There's something wrong with me, and I'm sorry. You deserve better."

"What? No, that's not true!" Harry kissed up Louls' chin and jawline, finding his lips and intertwining them together in a heated rush – as he tried to make Louis stop with the negative talk. "It takes so much strength to get help and admit you are struggling. Hold still. Please don't push me away. Here, arms down, please," he requested as he put his hands on the underside of Louis' thighs, biting down just above his nipple.

"I'm really good at messing things up," Louis continued but let out a soft moan as Harry stroked his clothed member.

"Shh," Harry pleaded as he pulled down his boxers. "Just tell me you want me too, and I'll show you how much I care for you." Harry pushed himself up on his heels and made his way to Louis' ears. "You said you'd open me up nice and slow, but I think..." Harry blew hot air in his ear. "I think I'm going to open YOU up nice, slow, and sensual, and when you're begging for me to be inside of you, I'll open you up some more and cradle your head, look in your eyes, and," He watched as Louis anticipated his answer. "And make so much love to you, so you'll feel how much I love you. You'll come screaming my name, looking me in the eyes with confidence, and then, when we have round 2, I'm going to fuck you so hard."

Harry could feel Louis' hips wiggle slightly under him, his body already pleading to be touched. He smiled as he pulled down his boxers, stroking his stiff shaft for a second before allowing their tongues to dance together.

"Say you're breathtaking."

"You are breathtaking!" Louis did not hesitate.

"No, Lou, admit that YOU are breathtaking." He said, stroking him. Louis laid there in silence, head pressed deep in the mattress as he tried to muffle his sounds of pleasure. "Say it!" Harry teased as he bit into the flesh of his neck. When he realized that wasn't going to work, he stopped stroking him and laid his head on his chest.

"I'm......breathtaking..." Louis blushed.

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" Harry teased. "Not as hard as you are for me, or I am for you," he added as he began to stroke Louis.

"I am in love with you, Harry Styles."

"I love you too, Louis Tomlinson."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for sexual assault and drug use. It's very brief. Stay safe <3 Thanks for reading

Harry cradled Louis' head in both of his hands, staring intensely into Louis' face as his body surged pleasure into the both of them simultaneously. He wanted to peer into the little blue glimpses of heaven, but they were shut tight with a mouth parted open. The taste of smoke and pomegranate infused his tongue. Harry thought he could taste that flavor forever.

Louis placed his hand on the small of Harry's back, trying to push their bodies closer together as Harry rolled his abdomen to a rhythmic thrust. He didn't mind doing all the work – really. It wasn't that Louis wasn't able to, not at all. In fact, the time he spent working on himself in inpatient had done his body some good. Harry simply wanted to give and giving he did.

He rubbed their jaws together, enjoying the feeling of stubble on both of their faces. Louis responded by letting out small whimpers as Harry began to kiss his neck in sync with his gyrating movements. Their chest was heavily breathing. The friction between them causing bodily heat and sweat.

"So good," Louis praised as he tried to move his heavy arms around Harry's neck to pull him into a kiss. Harry noticed the struggle and did the work instead; a passionate session of frenzied kisses and slow and sultry. Harry watched as Louis's long lashes fluttered against his cheeks as his eyes rolled in the back of his head, trying to meet his rhythm.

"I love this," Harry breathed in his ear. "Could have you under me all day." He said, pushing Louis' farther into the mattress. He bent down and pressed tiny kisses all over Louis' collarbones, making sure his hips didn't stop their pace.

"OoO. My. Har..." Louis whimpered. He tried to wrap his arms around Harry again, but his body was too busy lavishing in pleasure for his brain to register what his body wanted him to do.

Harry noticed again and gently took Louis' wrist above his head and held them there. "It's okay. You don't have to touch me. I just want to worship you for a second. May I?" He asked rhetorically as Louis nodded. "Keep those there, love."

He watched as Louis's hands instinctively grabbed the headboard. He took the opportunity to maneuver them in a different position, swinging Louis' legs to the side, as he gripped his thighs for leverage as he picked up the pace. He slowly ground into him, feeling his nerve endings responds with immense nirvana.

"Harry," Louis moaned as his knuckles turned white from gripping the headboard so tight. "I can't..."

With tears streaming down Louis' face, Harry slowed his stride momentarily to try and figure out what 'can't' means. He used the pad of his fingers to wipe the tears away. Before he could ask, Louis began talking as he placed his hands on either side of Harry's hip, keeping him inside of him.

"I can't believe I'm here with you, like this. I love you, and you love me," Louis cried. "Me, someone with disfigured thighs and a high-fat body percentage. Someone too emotional for his own good. Someone who can't get his shit together. Someone who is working in a bar at age 22 because I didn't go to college."

Harry ran one hand through his hair while the other rested on Louis' thigh, continuing to keep their bodies stitched together.

"I do love you an awful lot," Harry simply replied. "And I plan on doing this for a long time."

Feeling vulnerable, he swirled his finger around Louis' precome that was dripping on his navel and smeared some on Louis. He watched as Louis squirmed beneath him, though tears were still streaming down his face; he was satisfied knowing they were happy tears.

He continued to guide both of them to their climax and rode the aftershock happily. He knew he was close to his goal when Louis' body began to match his thrust, a greedy body spasming below him. Harry used his teeth to rake it along Louis' earlobe, whispering sweet nothings, and grazed their cheeks together so he could once again wipe the tears.

He managed his free hand to run his fingers alongside Louis' thigh, paying close attention to the scars. He whispered 'safe' as he continued to kiss his ear, his neck, his lips.

"This feels unreal," Louis confessed. "And I'm going to come. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, love. It's okay." Harry said, stroking his hair. "I want you to." He didn't disclose he's been ready since he saw those parted lips moaning just for him.

"Can you like....?" Louis blushed as Harry nodded. He fastened his pace, getting lost in the cadence. He closed his eyes, blindly stroking Louis and feeling his own orgasm tightening in his stomach. He bent down and sunk his teeth deep in Louis' shoulder, whose body began to convulse beneath him. Harry could feel Louis' body grow limp and spent as he chased his own high.

"I love you," Louis cried once more as he wrapped his legs around Harry's back and pushed his heels in. Harry tilted his head down, his curls fanning Louis' face, as he released ribbons of white inside of him. He felt his body collapse, their chests melted together, their breathing heavy.

"I love you too."

Harry knew he should pull out and clean up Louis, but his body was too much in bliss to do anything but lay there on top of Louis, holding onto him like his life depended on it. Much to his delight, Louis didn't seem to mind. In fact, he still had his legs wrapped around his waist, clutching onto him tightly.

"Harry....." Louis choked out. "I want us to always be this way, and I know that means we need to be honest with each other. Yesterday....."

Louis stopped talking, sighed heavily, and looked away. Harry slowly pulled out of him and brought him to lay on his chest.

"Yeah?" Harry asked, stroking his hair.

"Yesterday and this morning...actually....I...."

"Louis. It's okay. You can tell me anything."

"Well, I don't want to trigger you. I know you're going through mostly the same thing, and I am just so ashamed. Right ago, as we were making love, I felt so guilty because I love you, and I want to do better for you, and I was thinking how much I fucked up. Harry, please don't hate me."

Harry looked down at Louis, who was fumbling his words. "Baby...."

"I relapsed, okay? At least I think I did....I only did it twice yesterday and once this morning, but....I'm so sorry. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me....I just..."

"Shh. We'll talk about it later. You can barely get your words out. It's okay."

As Louis continued to sob on Harry's shoulder, the only other sound to be heard was Clifford softly clawing at the door wanting in. Harry regulated his breathing and tried to soothe Louis the best he could. Truth be told, he was frightened. What if he wasn't strong enough to deal with someone else's relapse? What if he had secrets of his own?

~*~*~*~*~*

Though Louis was still sleeping peacefully, Harry had to report otherwise. Insomnia and worry had left him exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to drift away for a good night's slumber.

"Fuck!" He groaned. He felt Louis shift under him, distributing his weight on his chest. Harry smiled in the darkness as he petted his semi-healthy hair.

"Maybe if I exercise, I'll tire myself out some more," he thought as he tried to wiggle from Louis' embrace. He shimmed out of bed and began to do sit-ups. "1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5...."

"Fuck, that burns!" He complained but quickly placed his lips between his teeth, so he wouldn't wake Louis up. Before he could finish his routine, he felt cold kisses all over his face. "Clifford! Gross!"

Needless to say, when the labradoodle jumped up and cuddled next to Louis, it awoke the tired man who had been crying previously. "Harry?" Louis yawned. "Come back to bed, darling. What're you doing?"

"I can't sleep," Harry said, continuing to do sit-ups.

"I tried to do that in inpatient. Your body is actually going to get more energy because exercise released endorphins. Just come cuddle, okay?"

Louis watched as Harry hesitantly crawled back in bed. Clifford positioned himself at their feet and let his lazy body let out a loud yawn before going to sleep – something Harry was quite envious of.

"Feeling okay?" Harry asked, nuzzling Louis into his neck. "You were pretty upset earlier."

Though he couldn't see the crimson color painted across Louis' cheeks, he could feel their temperature rise a few degrees. "I'm sorry about that. I was just...overwhelmed. Making love to you was so different than...whatever you called what Zayn and I did. This felt....complete. It scares me."

"Baby," Harry cooed. "Don't be afraid. I'm here for you. Niall and Li too, you know."

Louis grabbed Harry's hand and began to play with his fingers. "I guess I owe you the truth, don't I?"

"You don't have to tell me tonight. It's late, sweetheart." Though the suspense was killing Harry, he wasn't sure he was ready to face what Louis had to tell him, but as Louis continued, he realized he had no choice.

"I mentioned I relapsed earlier...but I'm not sure if that's what it is exactly," Louis blurted out as he stilled his fingers, holding Harry's hand instead.

Harry guided Louis's hand to rest under his on his chest as he encouraged him to continue. "You can tell me anything. It's okay." Feeling a little insecure, Louis tried to scoot away from Harry, but he wouldn't allow it. Instead, he brought him closer to his chest and soothingly petted on his back. 

"It's okay, baby. You need to remember I'm not Zayn. I know how he was when it came to someone going through something."

"I've been...." Louis gulped. "Still hurting myself, a little.... pulling some hair out....and purging...." Harry listened as Louis fumbled with his words. "Um...well, I just realized I'm not ready for this entire honestly thing, so I'm just going to go..."

"Baby, we're in your house, not mine," Harry giggled."

"Oh, well, I need to get ready for work!" Louis tried to roll out of bed, but Harry held onto him tighter.

"You work the second shift, sweetheart. Calm down. You don't have to tell me, okay? Everything is going to be okay. Just know I'm here for you," He kissed his forehead as I felt him relax a little. "Would it help if I told you something I'm struggling with?" Without saying a word, Harry could tell he was interested.

"Even though I've been eating every day, I've tried to keep my intake in the negative calorie range. I haven't gained weight in weeks. My therapist told me that it's okay – that I'm still getting nutrients, and since I'm at a healthy weight, it's fine. I'll just maintain for a while."

"I don't see the problem," Louis raised an eyebrow.

"I haven't been exactly forthcoming with her...or you...." Harry swallowed. "When you told me about how you could eat and eat and eat...and would purge it all away, I became interested...and tried it...so the way I've been keeping my calories in the negative is not by eating the right choices, it's been...."

"Harry...." I could feel Louis' tears roll down his face and onto my chest. "You're purging now.... because of me?"

"No, baby...no. I'm sorry! That was a poor word choice. Come here!"

"I'm going to be sick!" Louis tried to remove himself from the bed, but Harry gripped his side tighter.

"I'm sorry...." Harry held his head down in shame. "Do you want to share your secret now?"

"....Yeah..." Louis cried. "While you're at your house, I've been hurting myself...um...I've been pulling my hair out and posting pictures on this burn website, so people will drag me, talk bad about me. I've been...um...oh, nevermind. I just hate myself so much."

"Louis..."

"No! Don't you dare have that voice. I'm working on it, Harry. I'm not perfect. Christ. I just....ugh! Please go home!"

"Why....so you can hurt yourself?"

Suddenly, Louis' face softened, and he nuzzled his face into Harry's curls, so Harry couldn't make eye contact with him. "I've been letting Zayn come over while you're at your apartment.... I mean, nothing romantic or sexual...I've just been afraid to be alone..."

Harry looked up at the ceiling and let his chest rise and fall heavily. "You could've shared that with me sooner, Lou. I mean, I get it. Sometimes, I'm afraid to be by myself too, but I don't have to worry about that. I have 2 roommates. Zayn's not good for you, though – and you know it."

"I'm not like you. It's tough for me to make friends. I don't have any, in fact. The ones I do have live back home. I'm barely making rent and...." Louis wiped his tears away as Harry turned him over and planted a kiss on his lips.

"Move in with us, then."

"Wait, what?"

"Move in with us, baby! It's a 4-bedroom, pet friendly...."

"You want me to move in with you and my...bosses?" Louis asked wearily.

Harry felt uneasy. They hadn't been dating long, but they were getting along so well. However, he knew it was impractical, illogical.

Since when does love make sense?

"I'll talk to Ni and Li about it, k? I think it'll be good for you, for us, for Clifford."

Louis nodded in Harry's hair. "I guess so. Want to go for an evening run?"

"Sure, baby," Harry purred in his ear. "Right after we get a prework stretch!" He rolled Louis over on his back and peppered his face with kisses before moving down to his neck. As Louis giggled, Harry tried to keep his happy façade, though he felt guilty about something. 

~*~*~*~*~

"He wants me to move in with him," Louis shrugs as he passes Zayn the blunt they had been sharing.

"What?" Zayn's eyes grew wide. "Dude," He chuckled. "You cannot move in with Harry. Sure, he promises to put up with your shit now, but for how long? I thought I could too, but you are exhausting."

"Thanks. You always know exactly what to say," Louis teased as he took a long drag.

"I just..let's say Harry can handle you...are his roommates? They're prestigious parts of the community, Lou. They're going to look at you as a freak the first time they hear you puking your guts up after every meal. You feel me?" Zayn asked, inhaling the last, putting the blunt down into the ashtray. "I'm just saying, you might as well leave him now before he leaves you. Come here," Zayn pats his lap as Louis sits down.

Louis nuzzles into Zayn's chest, taking in all his words. He was right. Niall and Liam would never accept him; they were much too level-headed.

"Harry is a great guy Louis, but he isn't right for you. He has goals, dreams. He isn't like us," Zayn pulled him closer, interlacing their fingers. "Don't you remember all the good times we had? If you want to move in with someone, move in with me."

Louis tried to find the words to say, but none of them seemed fitting. "I can't trust you, Zayn. You slept with Harry and me at the same time. It's untelling who else."

"I'm not asking you to sleep with me, Louis; just move in with me. I know you can't afford the rent by yourself. I can help you out. I owe you that much." Zayn began to rub small circles on his back. "I care about you, Lou."

Louis allowed Zayn to put his hand up to his shirt, continuing to rub circles but now on his bare-skin. Zayn let a pleased smirk graze across his lips as he felt Louis crumble to the touch. "I'm sorry you think I cheated on you with Harry. I thought we had a mutual agreement that we weren't exclusive. If I knew it would hurt you, I would've never done it."

"We did have an agreement...but we also said we'd tell each other about our sex partners for health reasons....like STDs...." Louis reminded him. "You took that power away from me."

"I didn't think of it like that, Lou," Zayn used his thumb to count the spinal bones perfectly centered down Louis' back. "I regret it. I lost you in the process....ironically, to the one I broke your trust with."

Louis leaned his head into Zayn's chest for a second before looking back at him, their eyes meeting. Zayn stilled, smiling at Louis sweetly.

"I must be too high or something. I feel like you're looking at me like you want to kiss me." Zayn whispered in Louis' ear, watching in satisfaction when Louis shut his eyes. Zayn used his hand to rub Louis's protruding neck vein. "Oh, I miss sucking on this."

"Z," Louis moaned. "I need to go."

"You sure about that?" Zayn asked, moving his hand to palm Louis through his tight but breathable jeans.

Louis closed his eyes. "That's right, Lou. It's okay."

"LOUIS! OPEN UP!" An excited Harry came rushing in. "They said yes!" He exclaimed, "Oh...." he stopped in his tracks, assessing the situation.

He observed Louis, who did not look at all conscious. In fact, he was almost sure he wasn't.

"Harry," Zayn mused. "Just in time."

"Louis?" Harry called out. He watched as Zayn continued to palm him, unphased, unmoved, silent. "What the fuck did you give him?"

"Oh, just a little weed....mixed with Sonata."

"What the fuck is Sonata?" Harry asked, immediately getting his phone out of his pocket and googling the drug. "Wait, you laced his joint with sleeping pills that have a hypnotic effect? What the hell is wrong with you?!" Harry yelled. "Louis, wake up. We need to get out of here!"

Zayn pushed Harry's hand off of Louis' wirst. "No. He doesn't want to go with you. He's quite enjoying this, aren't you, Lou?" He purred in his ear, watching as Louis shifted his head back a little, unconscious of what he was truly doing.

All Harry could see was red in his vision now. Anger was pulsing through his veins, his soul. He tried to get Louis off Zayn's lap again, but again, his request was denied with a firm swat.

"Relax, Harry," Zayn insisted. "Nothing you haven't taken before. Remember our road trip to Malibu? You said it was the best sex you ever had."

Harry counted to 10, trying to calm himself down, trying to stop seeing red. Though the more he tried, the more rage within him came out. "FUCK YOU!" He snapped as he pulled Louis off of him, throwing his deadweight body over his shoulder. "What were you planning on doing, Zayn? Taking advantage of him while he's passed out? You're sick!"

"Not what you said every time you opened your mouth for me," Zayn smirked as he headed toward the door. "Don't worry, Harry. Everyone knows how good of a slut you were for me. At least they will when they see those sexy pictures you sent me all over your precious webpage, Tumblr."

Harry could feel his eyes widen as he tried to go down the stairs with Louis' uncooperative body.

"That's right. I'm going to post them if you tell Louis about this....tell anyone."

Harry rubbed Louis' hand gently, carrying him to his car. "You know what? I don't give a fuck!" He yelled, putting Louis into his car and buckling him up. He ran up the stairs and put Clifford on a leash, helping him get into the backseat. "You come near him again, Zayn, and you won't breathe any longer."

Zayn suddenly smirked, opening the door to his own car. "You're not even wondering why I'm over at Louis in the first place?"

"We've already talked about it because, you know, we try and have a healthy relationship. You think you're trying to use him for casual sex or whatever else you can get off of him, but he's really using you to fill a lonely void." Harry smirked back. "That's right. You'd come running over just as eager as he was, or I was because nobody else can stand you."

Zayn glared at him, slamming the door to his car as he sped away. Harry shook the mental image of Zayn palming an unconscious Louis with his hand away from his brain the best he could.

"Don't worry, baby. We're going to move you in real soon." Harry reassured him. "I know you can't hear me, but this stress makes me want to bash my head in the wall or drown in the bathtub. I don't want to eat right now, or ever. I still don't. I probably never will, but I'm so hungry, Lou. I think I'm going to stop and get Panera Bread."

Harry knew he was really talking to himself, but it was as if he was driven by a motor. "Yeah, maybe some cheddar broccoli soup or a turkey and avocado sandwich. Want some?" He asked before chuckling. "Of course not. You probably wouldn't eat it anyway. You're just as sick as me. That's why we're perfect together."

As he pulled into his apartment, he tried to wake Louis up but knew it was a lost cause, so he again picked him up and laid him on his bed.

"I guess I'll just apply for some colleges," He said to no one as he put his laptop on his lap and began to browse his options. "Though I'm kinda tired." He yawned. "Maybe I'll just take a short nap."

He knew deep down he wasn't fooling anyone when he meant short. He knew he'd sleep the rest of the evening, waking up at an ungodly hour unable to sleep anymore.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," He kissed into Louis' neck. ' 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry didn't understand when Louis didn't move in with him or why he was upset with him. He did a good deed, right? Zayn was taking advantage of Louis, touching him in ways only he should be allowed to. So why then - why hadn't he heard from him in two weeks?

The kitchen table looked much like his mind - a variety of disarray. Niall had prepared so many different meals that it was hard to choose one. Inside his mind, the thoughts were not organized, made no sense.

Liam helped Harry with his plate. Colored vegetables made up the majority, though there were some chicken and ham served as well. An invisible calculator inside his mind was keeping track of the calorie consumption. An invisible mirror was keeping a fat inventory of his body. A whispering voice was keeping him sick.

He bit on his bottom lip, tasting small tings of blood. It stung, of course, but he enjoyed the distraction. He could feel his pulse beginning to rise, and his face grew flush.

"Harry," Niall cautiously muttered. "Do you want me to fix something else?

He heard him, he did, but his eyes would not focus on anything other than the food on his plate. He closed his eyes, trying to wish the calories away.

"Harry!" Niall said more sternly.

Harry isn't here; he's been replaced by a broken man who doesn't want to sit at this table.

"No, it's lovely," Harry forced a smile. Act unfazed. "Do you want to go on a run with me later?"

Harry smiled in contentment. Maybe he could eat a little bit if he could go on a jog. He wasn't used to Niall agreeing so easily.

He moved the food around on his plate before deciding to eat a little bit of rice. "Taste good."

A quick search on WebMD informed him he was suffering an eating disorder relapse and should seek help immediately. But what does the internet know, anyway?

If I don't eat, Niall will bitch at me again.

"Love it, thanks," He reiterated as he pushed the rice away to focus on the mushrooms and tomatoes.

"Liam should be home soon; said something about getting beer and chocolate," Niall giggled.

Deja vu hit Harry like a tidal wave suddenly. He had been here before - before he met Louis. Only Liam was making him eat, not Niall. Life had made its way full circle. He suffered from this eating disorder before Louis arrived in his life, and he'll suffer long after he's gone.

"How's work?" Harry asked, making small talk. How's Louis?

"It's great. Our new bartender is a quick learner."

"New?" Harry raised an eyebrow, cutting his food into small pieces.

"Yeah. Shawn. I think you'll like him," Niall replied sympathetically. "Louis hadn't shown up in 2 weeks, Harry. We needed the help."

"Uh huh," Harry shifted around in his seat, uncomfortable. "This food is great."

He quickly dropped some on the floor, praying he'd able to clean it before Niall noticed.

He knew his coping skills. He knew what to do. A small part of him even saw how unhealthy he was. Yet, that small part was being controlled by some other internal force - one that said, you deserve to be sick. Not eating is the only thing you have going for you. Who cares anyway? Not eating gives you the power trip he needed to navigate this life. No lavender bath bomb could do that.

"So glad to be home! The supermarket was crowded!" Liam exclaimed as the beer cans made a clinking sound as he put them in the fridge. "Oh wow, Niall. You cooked a lot."

Liam quickly sat at the table, making his plate and looking at Harry. "Eat up, Lad. Don't wait on me."

"I'm not," Harry blushed. "Just thinking....." He quickly tried to come up with a subject to distract the pair from his eating habits. "I was thinking about going back to work at the bar, get out of the house again."

"Oh yeah?" Liam asked as he looked at Niall. "You sure you're ready for that?"

"No...." Harry answered truthfully. "Hey, you ready to go on that jog?"

Niall chewed on a piece of chicken. "I'm still eating, Lad, and you need to as well."

"Of course," Harry agreed. "I'll just go eat in my room."

Niall and Liam mirrored each other as they put their forks down at the same time, sighing.

He kept his door open.

"He's sick," "I know." "What do you want me to do about it?" "Beat Louis' ass," "It has nothing to do with Louis, Liam. He was sick before that." "Louis called me the other day crying."

Harry turned his head toward the conversation.

"He said he self-sabotaged as his therapist predicted and doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness," "He doesn't deserve it," "Niall!" "What? He doesn't!"

Forgiveness?

Harry placed his plate on his bed and opened the Tumblr app. Technology can be useful -or- a downfall.

~*~*~*~*~

He felt exhausted and like a keyboard warrior. If he didn't get the words out, he might explode. After completing an evening jog, he knew it was the time, and he could not avoid it any longer. So he sat in his chair, knuckles repeatedly cracking as he typed what he wanted to say.

An Open Letter

These thoughts consume my soul like a tidal wave, and I'm tired of fighting.

What's the point?

I fought for you, ShadesofBlue;

I ended up in the trenches, fighting a battle I'm not so sure I should have been apart of.

I fought for you, Shades of Blue;

In the process, I fought your battle for you –

Not with you.

I see that now, and I'm sorry.

Sometimes, life gives us assholes, and in your case,

Many. I am one of them.

So is he, the brown demonic being you've come to love.

This apology is sincere,

As sincere as my devotion to food and the lack thereof.

As sincere as the pounds shedding from both my body and soul.

Today, these thoughts are winning.

I submit and succumb to the darkness,

But you knew that, and I think in some twisted way,

You wanted to consume me too.

Today, you win.

I fought for you, ShadesofBlue;

But I know – I know, you won't fight for me too.

Sincerely,

GreenEyesofConfusion

Hitting the submit button on Tumblr never felt more exhausting.

"Niall!" Harry called out, a sense of panic consuming his every thought. "Niall!"

He could hear the clatter of a chair being scooted across the floor, the patter of familiar feet rushing across the creaky hardwood floor. "Lad! Lad! What's wrong? Liam!"

Harry wanted to answer; of course, he did. He was the one causing all of this commotion. He didn't mean to make his friends worry day after day. Yet, it was as if all the words written on the computer took his vocal cords and replaced them with only vibrations.

"Harry?" Liam croaked as he rushed into the room. "Call his Mother, Nial!"

"I don't want to leave him...." Niall pleaded.

"Just call Anne!" Liam demanded as he knelt down to Harry's side. "Can you breathe?"

Harry could breathe; it wasn't that. He couldn't say it out loud, but he could breathe. That was not the problem. Maybe it was the fact he didn't want to breathe anymore.

With an urgent nod, he collapsed in Liam's arms – feeling pathetic as the tears began to free flow down his eyes. "Hurts!" He wailed.

"Where?" Liam asked, beginning to tug at Harry's top. "Where?"

Harry wanted to answer; he tried so hard. The panic in his throat, however, wouldn't allow it. He could feel himself being a drama queen, and dammit, wasn't he entitled to a breakdown every now and then? He'd been strong far too long.

"Can't!" Harry cried.

"Anne is on her way, Lad. It's going to be okay," Niall knelt down as he joined them. "Want to go on a jog?"

Wiping his tears with his palms, Harry nodded as Liam looked dumbfounded. "What the hell, Harry? How can you just get up after acting like you're dying?!"

"Not now!" Niall snapped as he guided Harry toward the door. "Wait here for Anne, Liam." He demanded. "What's going on, Harry?"

Harry stretched his muscles before running, running until his thighs burned, his chest felt tight. Running until his knees felt as if they'd buckle. Running as he flexed his abs, making sure his fat didn't jiggle beneath his top.

"I can't stop!" He yelled.

As the rain began to fall from the sky, he could faintly hear Niall's pleas to wait up, but he had to run. The chicken, rice, and mushrooms were screaming at him inside of his mind, taunting him. Of course, Louis wouldn't ever speak to him again. Who would want to get to know a disgusting piece of trash?

As he began to speed up his pace, he realized he really couldn't stop. There was no point.

The thoughts would never stop. No matter how hard he tried. This wasn't about a love gone wrong. This was about love going right. 

The ability to change your body just by what you consume, what you don't consume, what you burn off – is artistic. The voice in your head, the one that sounds so sinister at times, can be a haunting lullaby to rock you to sleep at night.

Without a choice, Harry realized he pledged devotion to the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter unless I get crazy and want to write another one! I hope you liked this story.


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